Review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) by Fermentingtea — 30 Dec 2017

I generally refrain from posting reviews, but after repeatedly hearing claims that the only critics of this movie were "russian bots" or "fanatic fanboys", I was compelled to make an account and post my review.

Where to start?

The single greatest problem with The Last Jedi is the writing. From the messy plot, to the egregious oversights and contradictions, to the absurd, repetitive dialogue ("Godspeed" and "page-turner" is all I'll say); the script of The Last Jedi stymies the movie to such a degree that even if everything else about it were great, it still wouldn't be a good movie.

But everything else isn't great. The lead actors are wooden and uninspired (with the exception of Mr. Driver, a lone bright spot. Fisher, Serkis, and Hamill were fine too, but alas this isn't their movie), though to be fair they aren't given much to work with. There's a plethora of 'jokes', which isn't inherently problematic, until you begin to realize they're only there to keep you from falling asleep. With every change of scenery there's a new "animal" to meet, and the movie takes extra care to ensure we get a lengthy, zoomed-in shot of each one's cute, pouting face (Don't worry if you didn't see them all, numerous toy versions will be available at your nearest retailer).

Some of scenes are carbon-copies of those found in previous Star Wars iterations (Hoth "Salt Edition"), others look like they were plucked right out of an anime strip (Snoke's Big Send-Off). On the flipside, we do get to meet some new characters. There's Benicio Del Toro's DJ, a hacker/thief who is perpetually on the verge of having a seizure, Kelly Marie Tran's Rose Tico (A play to overseas audiences in Asia? Or a sneaky way to further marginalize Finn's character? We'll never know), and finally Laura Dern's dear Admiral Holdo, a stoic, purple-haired rebel commander who just barely manages to lose out on the coveted "Worst Battle Tactician of 2017 Award" to General Hux and the entirety of the First Order military command (Self-sacrifice isn't heartfelt unless you let half of your forces die needlessly beforehand. And where are the TIE fighters?).

Now, in fairness, Rian Johnson does move the franchise forward quite a bit. We learn that there's much more to the Force than previously thought:

1. You can facetime your frenemies.

2. Force-ghosts are a thing (those silly Jedi in the past only used Holograms).

3. Remote light-saber activation (makes you wonder why we keep seeing all of this 'dueling' nonsense).

4. Out of oxygen? Never fear, the force-float is here!

We learn there are Space casinos where everyone dresses...wait for it...exactly like they do on Earth casinos! And apparently fuel is now a big deal, although sending out your smaller ships to collect some isn't allowed for some reason. Animal cruelty is BAD (but the planetary-genocides commited by the First Order in The Force Awakens have become a thing of the past. After all, a week is a long time to remember such trivialities).

So yeah, that's the jist. Some people may complain about things like Luke's behavioral changes, or Snoke's unspoken backstory, or Rey's 'grounded' parents, but those things aren't important. What's important is you go into this movie without clearly formed expectations, or a clearly functioning brain for that matter. I recommend copious amounts of your favorite drug or intoxicant of choice, so you can watch the lovely special effects without wondering why the First Order ships don't use hyperspeed to overtake the fleeing rebel fleet, or why the rebel fighters are lining up to face the oncoming AT-ATs in trenches a la WWI and not hiding behind their blast-proof door.

If you don't, you may just start wishing for everyone to kamikaze each other.