Review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) by Matty G — 12 Oct 2018

I guess I'll take it from the top.

The opening scene with the exchange between Poe and General Hux, corny cringe-inducing humour sets the tone for this rough ride, which ends in a 'your mam' joke as Dameron proceeds to smoke the entire turret offensive of a dreadnought in his solitary, exiled X-wing. The first order officials lack the cunning and brutality of their original trilogy Empire counterparts and it's hard to take Hux seriously as it is without Johnson ridiculing him further with the dialogue. The resistance manage to destroy the 'fleet killer' Dreadnought whilst losing half of their fleet (including all of their bombers) after orders from Leia are refused by Poe, who seems to have had a personality transplant from JJ Abrams' vision of the character in the first instalment of the trilogy.

Rey is on the isolated rocky terrain of Anch-To searching for Jedi Master and hero Luke Skywalker who has abandoned his friends, family and comrades in yet another personality transplant. The new hope has seemingly lost hope. After Luke is presented with his father's long-lost lightsaber by the eager Rey, in what can only be described as the cinematic embodiment of Rian Johnson taking a big, stinky, corn-infested, grinning turd on the chest of the entire Star Wars franchise and fan base and smearing it to spell the statement 'fuck you faithfuls', Skywalker tosses the iconic hilt over his shoulder as if to say 'bollocks' to his family and the resistance.

A fantastic opportunity to give Leia a heroic and shocking demise (which would've made sense with the sadly already passed Fisher unable to reprise her role) passes Johnson completely by. Johnson squats for the after-turd, having Leia supermanning through space without a scratch on her face after a high intensity impact to her ships bridge in a ridiculous force feat that ignores the sagas lore completely.

The intense and intriguing duo of Phasma and Snoke are made a mockery of by Johnson as both are killed off with no backstory or development whatsoever. The almighty Snoke is ousted with ease by Kylo Ren at that, who he has just spent scenes making a mockery of with insults of his character and power in an intergalactic bullyfest.

Canto Bight, not even going to bother.

Abrams' potential avenues set up in TFA are mostly completely ignored with such bollocks as Rey's parents revealed as nobodies.

Another fantastic and heroic opportunity for Rose's character to save her fellow resisters with an act of selfless martyrdom is sunk like a led balloon by the weak as piss Johnson.

We do get to see amazing force projection by Luke in the final scene as he confronts Ren which was rather cool, but is it what we really wanted after a piss poor showing of cowardice from our childhood hero who should've went out on his shield in a bout of elite swordsmanship with the vengeful Ren.

An amazing performance from Hamill, against his better judgement too just shows his professionalism and it is up and away his best display as Luke.

The visuals, sets, costumes, score etc are all of the absolute finest quality but when the script and storytelling is so shit it truly is a case of clutching at straws. This film just feels like a massive opportunity missed for the most anticipated Star Wars movie of all time. What a shame.

2 out of 5 stars.