Review of Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002) by John R — 17 Aug 2016

After the disappointment of The Phantom Menace, hype for Attack of the Clones wasn't as strong. Sure it had a kick-ass teaser trailer, but it still seemed like the uninteresting Cgi fest that plagued the previous movie. As a result, Episode 2 was only half as successful as its predecessor, and thankfully that means there were only half the victims this time around.

Critical reception for Episode 2 was just about as mixed as Episode 1, with a little more positive ones just for simply having more action and a slightly more interesting storyline. Which is true, but then I ask "what would you rather have?" An uninteresting story done mediocrely, or a more interesting story done terribly? Personally, I would take the 1st option any day of the week.

The Good.

Compared to our tax evasion and political manipulation plot from the last film, it's kind of satisfying to see a more simple storyline start the film off. This time around, someone is trying to assassinate the newly elected senator Padme Amidala, played again by Natalie Portman. After a near successful attempt on her life, she asks Chancellor Palpatine, played again by Ian McDiarmid, to assign Jedi to protect her and find the assassin. The Jedi assigned to protect her, if you haven't guessed, are Obi-Wan Kenobi, played by Ewan McGregor, and Anakin Skywalker, played by Hayden (I am totally firing my agent) Christensen. From there, the movie tries to be a mystery/romance, but unfortunately neither of them really work as well as they should due to huge plot-holes and inane dialogue.

Episode 2 also does a great job at just feeling massive. The scope of Star Wars is something that these movies never lack. The setting is huge, the conflict is huge, the amount of alien life is huge, you get the point. You're introduced to new worlds and species that just get you excited to see what new things this world has to offer.

Also, like its predecessor, the action in this one is also well done (for the most part). Highlights include the space battle in the asteroid field between Obi-Wan and Jango Fett, and the huge final battle on Genosis from the arena battle to the gunship chase. They're all handled very well and are exciting to watch. Also, the sound design for the gunship chase is exquisite.

The villains in this one are also pretty good. Sure they're not as badass as Darth Maul, but they're still memorable and intimidating. The Bounty Hunter Jango Fett, played by Temuera Morrison, and Count Dooku, played by the late Christopher Lee, are a good pair of villains and generate a decent amount of authority. You can tell they're powerful and pose a threat to the Jedi, and you have no doubt that they'll kill anybody to get what they want.

There's also this one funny scene where Obi-Wan force persuades a drug dealer to go home and rethink his life. Something I should've done years ago, but it's too late for me now.

The Bad (and The Ugly).

There is no attention to detail when it comes to the storytelling and dialogue. The characters contradict themselves multiple times and give some conflicting information. One example is that one of the rules of being a Jedi is that possession is forbidden. Next thing you know, Obi-Wan is holding Anakin's lightsaber hilt to his face and says "This weapon is your life!" Ok, so obviously possession is not forbidden if one has to cherish this lightsaber as their life.

There's also a scene where Padme and Anakin are having a picnic in the middle of a beautiful green screen set... I mean an open field (because apparently that was too hard of a location to film in). Now what I want to know is why the hell are they in an open field with nobody around when an assassin is trying to freaking kill them!? Granted she probably just wants to get shot so she doesn't have to put up with Anakin Creep-show anymore.

And that brings me to one of the fatal flaws of this movie. The romance between Padme and Anakin is atrocious! Hayden and Natalie share little to no chemistry on screen and it's made even worse when Anakin acts like a sexually disturbed psychopath half the time. There is literally a scene where he's just staring at her, she tells him to stop, he says "Sorry M'lady" and still continues to give her this creepy as shit stare behind her back. And the dialogue between them... just read for yourself.

Exhibit A.

Padme: We used to come here for school retreat. We would swim to that island every day. I love the water. We used to lie out on the sand and let the sun dry us and try to guess the names of the birds singing.

Anakin: I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.

Exhibit B.

Anakin: From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again... I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can't breath. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating... hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me... what can I do?- I will do anything you ask.

[uncomfortable pause].

Anakin: ... if you are suffering as much as I am, PLEASE, tell me.

Exhibit C.

Anakin: Don't be afraid.

Padme: I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.

Anakin: What are you talking about?

Padme: I love you.

Anakin: You love me? I thought we had decided not to fall in love. That we'd be forced to live a lie and that it would destroy our lives.

Padme: I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway. I truly... deeply... love you...

Oh my god. Freaking Twilight is laughing at you guys! And this goes on for more than half the movie people. It doesn't get much worse than this.

Now while that masterful work of romance is going on, Obi-Wan is trying to find the assassin. He tracks him to the water planet Kamino where he discovers that a clone army is being created for the Republic from the DNA of Jango Fett. Why are they being created? Who ordered an army of clones? Hell if I know, it's never explained! Sure fans of the expanded universe know their purpose and can figure out their origin, but with what the movie presents by itself, that's not the case. It brings up their mystery for like 10 minutes, then it just drops the idea and it goes nowhere. The only real interesting thing in this whole movie gets put to the side like it's nothing. Bye-bye! See you in that one book or video game that I have to pay for separately! *cha-ching*.

Eventually, we get to the final fight between Anakin, Obi-Wan, Count Dooku, and then eventually Yoda. This has got to be the worst put together lightsaber fight in all of the Star Wars movies. Look at it real closely and tell me something doesn't seem a bit off. In one shot the characters can be swinging to one side, and then from the other in the next shot. There's a section where Anakin gets 2 lightsabers and not only do they switch hands in the next shot, but the combatants also appear to now be on the other side of the set! The next thing you know, the lights go out and all you're seeing is a bunch of random lightsaber swinging in front of the character's faces with no rhythm or reason. When Yoda gets into the fight, and you look real closely, the scene basically a really bad Christopher Lee stunt double randomly doing tricks with his lightsaber at nothing with Yoda digitally inserted in.

The effects in this one are also pretty crap-tastic. You know how I said the effects in Episode I were pretty impressive for their time? Well... Episode II's effects weren't that impressive at all. The green screen is painfully obvious and the Cgi on the droids and the clone troopers are very unconvincing. They also put Cgi over Christopher Lee's stunt double during the lightsaber fight and that looks terrible!

Verdict.

Attack of the Clones is by far the worst movie in the Star Wars Saga. Sure it's more interesting than Episode I, but the only real interesting plot point goes absolutely nowhere. From there on, you're just beaten over the head with this terrible love dialogue between two characters that share little to no chemistry! You don't buy it for a second. And sure it still has the epic scope of Star Wars and the battles still feel huge and can be entertaining, but when you have a really poor story execution and conflicting information leading up to it, it leaves no impact. And for that, it is much more painful to sit through than The Phantom Menace.