Review of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) by Michaelbagamery — 04 Sep 2014

I should probably have broken my promise to myself and gotten **** after watching this tripe. 'The Phantom Menace' is easily the worst 'Star Wars' movie, and a terrible film in general. Some lowlights:

Jar Jar. Just the most obvious of this movie's myriad artistic miscalculations, he's unfunny and stupid.

Acting. Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor are the only two actors in this movie who actually seem to be trying to rise above the material.

Pointless call-forwards. Actually, 'Attack of the Clones' is worst with this, but they're there and visible in 'The Phantom Menace' too.

Characterization. Whiny little Anakin is very true to how most little kids are; I should know, as, to my eternal chagrin, I used to be one. But this movie seems to be promulgating the notion that youthful pettiness makes one evil. No, no, it doesn't. Hopefully, once you turn fifteen or sixteen, you realize 'God, what an **** I've been' and resolve to be better than that.

Pod racing. Um...scratch that, counterproductive padding! From a narrative standpoint, it's obvious Anakin is supposed to win that race and win his freedom from...Watto (is that his name? I don't remember it being mentioned during the movie). From a logical standpoint, however, he should NOT win that race, since he's young and green as a conifer.

Midichlorians. Yes, I gathered from the original trilogy that the Force was an invisible forcefield which Jedi could manipulate to their own ends, but which bound every organism in the GFFA. So they have something in their blood which makes them one with the Force or something? That has either unfortunate implications or it's just an outright contradiction in the plot.

Action. As in, there's not nearly enough of it until the last fifteen minutes or so, and while it is exciting when we get it, by then it's too little too late.

Overall, this is easily the lamest Star Wars movie, never thought-provoking or even accidentally funny, though I will give a point for Darth Maul's double lightsaber. That was literally the only memorable part of the film that was thus for a good reason.