Review of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) by Patrykg — 08 Jun 2016

People say that the only way you can hate this movie is if you grew up with the originals and was hyped for The Phantom Menace in 1999...well let me tell you something. I was not even around when that film came out, I watched it for the first time in 2006, a day after seeing the original trilogy for the first time.

Then I found out there was three more films, I thought that was weird, like they could have ended the series with three films but they made three more that were prequels. So before seeing Episode 1 for the first time I said to myself "Well this could go either way", so I watched it, with no knowledge of what the movie looks like, I only had a disc without a box, haven't seen any trailer or anything like that.

So I'm watching this movie and I swear that I didn't understand a goddamn thing in it. Something about a senator (didn't know what that was) and a taxation (didn't know what that was), basically the only word I recognised from the opening crawl was "Jedi".

Then stuff happens...blah blah blah...the Viceroy guy was like "This is impossible" when Qui Gon is cutting through the door (couldn't remember Qui Gon's name until years later) more political talk later, something about some treaty uh signing it will legalise THE INVASION OF AN ENTIRE PLANET?!! Whatever.

They meet Jar Jar, who honestly I didn't find that annoying or funny I was just struggling to understand a single word he said...then after like 3 days the Trade Federation finally invade the Naboo...

The jedi rescue the Queen, they go to tatooine, I was hoping that this would save the movie and it turns out that Tatooine is the worst part of this movie...nothing happens in it...Anakin was the most annoying character in the movie, and him building C3PO made turn off the movie and leave.

..but then I came back I had to finish this crap...stupid bet was made between Qui Gon and Watto (I still don't understand it) then the 10 minute race that felt like an hour, it's easily the most boring part of the movie it's not like Anakin used the force for the first time and won the race or anything like when Luke was the last one left to destroy the death star in the first film he was using the force for the first time, it wasn't trivial to the whole movie like the podrace scene was.

..then the mother just lets her son go just like that with some strangers they just met and yeah...but that's ok because he's eight years old and you don't make any mistakes at that age...then Coruscant.

..oh god...i can't continue but I will...some senate meeting about something, really do you think I cared anymore at this point? I gave up a long time ago...uh then the queen is like "I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum's leadership", and everyone's like "VOTE NOW VOTE NOW VOTE NOW" even though I was 7 then, I still knew that you can't get rid of someone with just one vote, how does this senate even work? That means anyone can just say this vote of no confidence and then they'll elect another one and that will happen to him and again a new guy and so on.

..Oh god the jedi scenes where they don't do anything but sit in chairs...whatever, SKIP!!! So then they go back to naboo, something uh happens blah blah then that devil guy shows up, yeah I'm sure he has a name, I'm just calling him devil guy, with the double bladed lightsaber, which I guess is supposed to compensate for his lack of character? So they fight him while like 3 other things are happening.

..BOOOOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!! Some other things happen, Anakin blows up the ship by accident when all the naboo pilots couldn't do it...Qui Gon dies because Obi Wan keep up with the fight because some stupid red force shields were closing at any time Lucas wanted them to.

..uh yeah then Obi Wan kills devil guy and whatever, they burn his body, a parade happens and it's over...I honestly don't know what that was, but it wasn't a Star Wars film!!! I mean holy f*ck how do you not get more than one thing right about this series, it wasn't that difficult.

..the one good thing was the soundtrack, THAT'S IT!!! 3/10 Awful crap...