Review of Spring Break Massacre (2008) by Jason D — 06 Jul 2010

Spring Break Massacre is one of those rare films where you expect campy greatness but instead receive impromptu eye-scorching blindness thanks to its sheer awfulness. The story concerns the murder of an ugly goth chick by one of her goth dude friends many years back, resulting in the unlawful arrest and imprisonment of the pizza delivery boy who walked in on her body (apparently CSI stuff doesn't exist in this alternate world).

Now, in present time, the killer has apparently escaped and come back to start trouble during Spring Break when a large group of girls gather together for a huge slumber party while the boys have to sit out and ponder what's going on.

Amidst a bevy of several excruciating and unfunny moments, we're treated to a large assortment of horrid acting, pacing, and nonsensical dialog that just never adds up. What's even more tragic is the waste of two horror genre icons, namely Reggie Bannister (of the Phantasm trilogy) and Linnea Quigley (Return of the Living Dead).

Even more apparent than Quigley's tragic meth addiction is the fact that the filmmakers behind this movie clearly did not know what they were doing. On a plus side, they had these two greats in the movie longer than expected, but it's clear they didn't know what to do with this talent, and thusly, Bannister and Quigley look completely lost and confused throughout.

On another plus side, that large group of girls all get naked and show off their titties. Even the fat, ugly one gets in on the action and, gasp, winds up having the best rack of the bunch! With the presence of our two icons, several sets of titties, there are occasional moments of hilarity, including a film crew member standing smack dab in the shot frame in the background and watching the filming (LOL!), as well as a renegade boom mic going across the shot frame (additional LOL!).

Strangely, I find myself torn between never wanting these filmmakers to create art again or eagerly waiting to see what abortion they create next! Overall, this movie is...just awful.