Review of Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror (2006) by Teina H — 15 Sep 2007

While accompanying my buddy Jimmy on quest to purchase a beer dubiously named "Beer 30 Light," he made the comment that there are times when he believes that he may actually be mildly retarded. Now Jimmy is a pretty astute dude. He knows how to make educated choices and has even read books that didn?t involve pop up card board pictures, using crayons, or scratching a page to smell something that reminds him vaguely of Robitussin. Given the situation and what we were purchasing I was inclined to agree. This decision was retarded. I was quickly educated in the error of my ways though. Purchasing this water downed pig urine (twelve dollars for thirty cans by the way) barely scratched the surface of the string of retarded decisions we made that day.

The true crowning achievement in our incredible odyssey of idiocy was capped by the rental of a gut wrenchingly terrible example of film making called ?Snoop Dogg?s Hood of Horrors.? Now, at the time we were deep in the throes of our mildly alcoholic pig urine I previously mentioned so that may have influenced our decision. At least that?s what I will keep telling myself. Maybe one day I will believe it.

This movie was awful. It was based upon three vignettes of life in the hood with a tinge of doggy-style horror. The phrase doggy-style horror can be misleading however, so don?t fall it. Please allow me to translate. What it actually stands for is: the longest hour and half that you will ever spend begging whatever deity you pray to too please, please, gouge out your eyes with ice picks and deaden your brain with the sweet caress of madness to save from the god awfully boring suck fest that is this movie.

We plugged the movie in and we were psyched to get ready to watch cheesy but humorous renditions of Snoop visiting his doggy style wrath upon an unsuspecting hood. Complete with funny death scenes and gore galore, as promised by the back of the movie. Instead I spent eighty four minutes watching nothing happen. There were a total of three violent scenes that accounted for about four minutes of the total film. The rest was chocked up to musings of severely brain damaged gang bangers reminiscing on their mistakes and clubbing us over the head, New Life Church style, with moral lessons on why you should live a good and wholesome life. Talk about a misleading title. There was no horror, there was barely a hood. There was mostly a barren wasteland of boring and poorly written ghetto dialogue occasionally interspersed with ass-taculararly lame character developments scenes in a frieken horror movie and wholly unentertaining scenes of these so called moral degenerates getting their come-uppons by hobo?s and unfortunately placed bottles of malt liquor.

Seriously renting this movie is quite possibly the worst idea I?ve had since?..forever. I think it actually burned small holes in my brain. I know it burned holes in my soul that will haunt me forever. After bearing witness to this disaster I wanted to sit in the shower and rock back and forth scraping my skin with sand paper until the blood cleansed the filth of this botched abortion of cinema from my epidermis. I believe I shall do that now.