Review of Snakes on a Train (2006) by Steven P — 23 Aug 2010

Oh dear. Even as a fan of low-budget 'mockbusters' this movie left me feeling cold. The acting was atrocious, the characters were inconsistent, the direction can only be described as directionless and the issues with the plot are actually worse than the problems with the snakes.

Even a low budget film can be expected to overcome some of the special effect problem that this film had ...... and the effects really were 'special'.

The type of train that they're on changed numerous times, and there were more carts on the inside shots than there were on the outside shots.

I lost track of how many people were attacked by one, normal size snake only for it to instantaneously breed into dozens, or grow ten times in size.

(SPOLIERS).

I've forgotten the characters names so I'll refer to them based on their 'character'.

Blondie drug smuggler couldn't make her mind up when getting it on with cowboy cop if she wanted to or not. One shot she looked aroused, the next like she was being raped.

Mexican good guy kept changing his belief system from the old ways to the new ways ("Use your magic" to "She needs a real doctor" to somehow having the knowledge of summoning a tornado to capture the giant snake in an amulet).

Witch doctor needs to get snake woman to LA as quick as possible and is clearly annoyed when the train is going to make an unscheduled stop. So why the hell does he let the guys die, knowing that they'll create snakes in doing so and cause the train to need to be stopped.

The guy who was 'thrown' off the train quite clearly climed down and then jumped - LAME.

The end scene, where the giant snake is eating the train ........ for some reason....... the surviving passengers need to jump from the end carraige which we see still riding the rails (in a cgi scen), and yet their propective is high up in the air...... surely it wouldn't have cost any more in cgi to raise the train from the outside shot??

The oh-so witty argument between cowboy cop (or not cop), and middle eastern american sounding cop/not cop; "Trust me" "No trust me" "No trust me" "Trust me" ...... and they're arguing about cowboy stripping off or not ..... at gunpoint......

Awful film, awful acting, I could witter on and on about the lame moments but it would take me longer than the film took to watch.

The only reason I gave it one star is because it had the guts to ave a scene where a little girl sees her Mum and Dad killed by a snake, and then see her getting eaten by one as well...... even if it was the same snake that killed all three, and it was too small to eat a person when it killed Mum and Dad, but the perfect size to eat the girl (yes it grew that big that quick for no reason).

If you want an enjoyable snake themed camp horror/disaster film - stick with air travel and Samuel L Jackson.