Review of Snakes on a Train (2006) by Tyler M — 21 Dec 2007

Why?... I don't know...

I knew it would be bad... I just didn't think it would be this bad.

The Story: A cursed woman and her boyfriend... You know what, it doesn't really matter... It's a minimalist story... And that's an overstatement... This film is one of those that rides the coat tails of those much better... If you finish watching Snakes on a Plane and want more snake action than you go right ahead and buy yourself another ticket, because this snake flick has nothing of interest. It's just one of those that you know isn't going to be good, and you watch just to laugh at, but this one won't even make you laugh... Yeah, it's that bad... The box claims "100 Trapped Passengers.. 2,000 Venomous Vipers!" And you know damn well, that's an empty promise from the get go. I mean, you don't even have to watch the film to know there's no way in hell the filmmakers (if you can call them that) are going to keep this promise... Instead of 2,000 venomous vipers, you'll be treated to about 5 (if that) regular everyday garter snakes, and about 10 (if that) passengers... I just want this to be understood, I DID NOT sit down thinking this was going to be quality in the slightest, in fact, I sat down KNOWING FULL WELL that it was going to be perhaps the worst thing I've ever seen. Even with the lowest expectations imaginable, this film still falls short... Okay with all that said, there is actually some kind of redeeming value to this feature... If you ever come across this in your local rental store, and are in need of a good laugh the extras are guaranteed to do the job... Coming packaged with a blooper reel and a short making of documentary, the special features will be sure to make you feel much better about yourself... Why will this make us feel better about ourselves Tyler, you ask? Well, I'll tell you... The blooper reel is a solid minute of a really bad actor struggling to say "We have a runaway train!", not only does he struggle to say this simple phrase, he looks genuinely sad about screwing it up repeatedly! You just can't help but laugh at the poor schmuck... And if you decide to watch the making of documentary, you'll be laughing the entire time, weather it's bad animatronics, bad acting, or just a set overrun by cattle... That's right, a set overrun by cattle!

The Cast:

Actor - noun.

1. a person who acts in stage plays, motion pictures, television broadcasts, etc.

2. not anyone in Snakes on a Train.

One to Five Scale: 1.

Watching some guy trying to say "We have a runaway train" actually almost warrants a rental, because it's that damn funny... But other than the special features, this one is made to be thrown away.

Tyler.