Review of Snakes on a Plane (2006) by Markbayer — 01 Oct 2006

Despite all the hype, this would-be exploitation/ action/ camp smash wasn't one for two very basic reasons: the plane doesn't fly and the snakes don't bite. The first 25 minutes, in which a mob kingpin, in a literal case of overkill, plots to eliminate a damaging witness by loading the plane he's traveling on with cobras, vipers and mambas (and we learn that joining the Mile-High Club can be hazardous to your health) are promising, and it's impossible to completely dismiss an airplane-calamity movie that includes a parody of Legally Blonde's Elle Woods on its passenger list.

Ultimately, however, director David R. Ellis (a solid B-movie craftsman who's done far better work with Final Destination 2 and Cellular) can't sustain the balance between gore and satire that Roger Corman, Paul Bartel, Joe Dante and other New World Pictures writers and directors accomplished so effortlessly in such classic 1970s drive-in fare as Death Race 2000 and Piranha.

Speaking of the 1970s, part of the problem is this movie's slavish adherence to the blueprints of another of that decade's most notorious genres: you don't have to be afflicted with disaster movie deja vu to know instinctively which of the plane's passengers are either too loathsome or too lovable to live, or that children will be threatened but not totally turned into snake kibble, and that at least one of the three major characters will be involved in at least one false alarm.

Worse still, Snakes on a Plane ultimately becomes stagy, contrived and dull because of the behavior of the snakes themselves: due to certain plot contrivances they go on sporadic feeding frenzies and then disappear entirely from the movie for long stretches of time.

(What were they doing, reading the in-flight magazine? If so, that explains it--they all fell asleep!) Even though we all know that this movie has about as much chance of actually being shown on a plane as United 93, the airlines might want to reconsider: with all the recent controversy over the latest tightening of security regulations, Snakes on a Plane DOES present the very convincing argument that in the event of on-board snake attacks, too much carry-on luggage will definitely hamper your getaway.

And you certainly can't fault Samuel L. Jackson's energetic performance as an FBI agent: not since Jane Fonda in last year's Monster-in-Law has an actor so thoroughly redeemed a completely shallow, one-dimensional part by displaying so much joy in the playing of it.

His delivery of the line about being tired of those m***********g snakes on the m***********g plane is already the stuff of legend; it's easy to understand why audiences, seeing through the malarkey and recognizing this mediocrity for what it is, grew equally (and very quickly) tired of seeing these m***********g snakes in their m***********g theaters, too.