Review of Slender Man (2018) by Davidwashere — 23 Aug 2018

I watched this movie with a friend of mine who wanted to see it. I had no interest in watching it, but she did and I wanted to go because I guess it might have been at least funny. And it kind of was. We were basically ripping on it, making our own MST3K commentary on the film. There were two other people in the theater, and I'm pretty sure they were on a date night and we both ruined it. Suffice to say we both had a fun time watching it. And honestly if I wasn't watching it with her and making fun of it, I would probably be a lot madder at this movie. Because regardless of the viewing experience, the hype is real! This movie is as bad as people made it out to be! Like I thought that maybe I can find a positive about this film, but honestly it's been a long time since I've seen a movie that is fundamentally broken! Like I cannot think of a single thing about this movie that worked! Maybe there are some creepy imagery that worked, but there are far better horror films with the same imagery that work a lot better! I guess the sound design is also kind of decent too, if you ignore all the stock sound effects. Other than that, nothing!

The acting is horrible! Like not a single actor in this movie is good! They are all terrible! But I mean even with good actors could not save the writing of these "characters!" None of them get developed! They are all interchangeable suburban teenage girls, except one is apparently a track star, one has red hair, one's black, and one looks like a cross between Regan from the Exorcist and Chloe Grace Moretz! There's no main character as the movie shifts around the four leads but they all act the same! It's basically one spirit character of whine and whimper and make faces that probably look like they are scared! The directing is **** Not only did director Sylvian White not direct the actors to be good, but so much of the framing and shot composition is **** He couldn't make a movie scary because it is filled with jump scares! Nothing but jump scares! There are creepy imagery, but it is blatant how hard the movie wants to be the Ring of the YouTube generation! The editing is also bad, making the timeline of events confusing and jarring! The rules also do not make sense! One of the scenes have the girls give up something precious to them, but they have to be blindfolded to do so and not take it off to look at Slender Man, or else you'll go nuts. Well one of the girls did, and yet they all start going crazy? Like Slender Man is a troll! Speaking of him, if you are afraid of ****ty CGI monsters, then do not watch this movie! Otherwise the Slender Man looks stupid and ridiculous! The plot drags out as not much happen! It's not even a fun movie to watch on it's own it's just a drag to watch!

It's not like a Slender Man movie can be good. Because it can be, but there was no way a Hollywood adaptation of the Internet legend would be anything but bull****, let alone a movie made by Sony! If you want a decent Slender Man story, go look up Marble Hornets or Everyman Hybrid on YouTube. You want a good horror film like this about creepy imagery and a cursed video, go watch the Ring. If you want to watch a good horror film about scary white people, go watch Get Out! I can kind of recommend this movie if you want to watch it with friends and rip it apart as like a bad movie night. But even then it's not really all that much of a fun bad movie to watch. It's just flat out bad. Don't waste your time! But if you do, just imagine every time the bell rings, it's really just Taco Bell and Slender Man wants his victims to try their new Nacho Fries.