Review of Sharknado (2013) by Philip J — 25 Jan 2014

Is Sharknado worth the Internet hype? Sort of. To sum up the plot of Sharknado, here's all you need to know: The blonde beauty from American Pie, the youngish looking guy from 90210, the cheerleader from a Bring it On sequel, and the dad from Home Alone star in an epic man versus nature film with a twist. It's raining CGI sharks!

But if you're still wondering whether Sharknado is worth seeing, here is my longer review. Read on.

Sharks: Predators of the sea, rulers of the ocean.

Somewhere twenty miles off the coast of Mexico, a sea captain and his crew are capturing sharks and slicing off their fins for their own ill-gained profit. The sea captain negotiates with a buyer on the ship who's interested in purchasing those shark fins. The sea captain reminds the buyer that tens of thousands of mothereffin' sharks infest these oceans they are sailing in. On this stormy trip, as the ocean waves continue to crash more violently, Mother Nature has a way of settling the score. The sea captain and his crew are about to learn that greed comes with a price in human blood...

Meanwhile in southern California, beachgoers are kicking back, basking in the sun, and enjoying the sights and sounds of crashing waves. At a beach bar on the Santa Monica Pier, patrons can enjoy a few exotic drinks along the way. Fin Shepard (Ian Zierling) is a former professional surfer and owner of the beach bar. Along with his fellow surfer and Tasmanian buddy Baz (Jaason Simmons), they are looking for some great waves to surf in. Nova (Cassie Scerbo) is a waitress and bartender who works at the beach bar. She's in love with her boss Fin, who is quite frankly much older than her, old enough to be her father. Though he does look good for somebody pushing 50 years old. And by the way, he has two children who are about the same age as Nova. Her daddy issues don't go unnoticed to some of the patrons in the bar including George (John Heard) who seems to be a permanent fixture at the bar, i.e. he spends all his days getting drunk. George attempts to flirt with Nova on a regular basis and wants to be her daddy. Noticeably, Nova has a scar on her leg but will not disclose to anyone how she got it.

But all that drama is nothing compared to the mega Category 1 Hurricane headed in their direction...and it's unprecedented. Weather forecasts call for heavy rain and significant coastal flooding, but even the most astute of forecasters couldn't anticipate the first-of-a-kind hurricane which is about to arrive...

Darkened, cloudy skies signal the arrival of a dangerous hurricane. Ever increasing violent tidal waves destroy Fin's bar, and the patrons are forced to seek shelter on land. But as the hurricane quickly approaches the beach and makes landfall, there is an unexpected surprise. Hordes of ravenous man-eating sharks find themselves washed ashore on unfamiliar territory. And they are hungry. These sharks are no longer confined to the oceans and pose as much of a threat on land. Their appetite for human flesh remains insatiable.

An uber-disaster of sharkpocalyptic proportion has arrived in Los Angeles and nothing can stop it. Fin, Nova, Baz, and George must seek refuge on higher ground in Beverly Hills, but Fin also has to rescue his estranged wife April (Tara Reid) and their teenage daughter (and April's new boyfriend). But it gets crazier from here. Numerous sharks are being plucked from the oceans and sucked into these intense columnar vortexes. As the sharks are spinning in the waterspouts, they form what is being called a "sharknado". Sharknadoes are a phenomenon that has been unheard of in the scientific community. As we see hundreds of sharks swirling in these waterspout-tornadoes, the sharks are eventually released onto the unsuspecting public. Yes, sharks are literally dropping like bombs. It's a sight to behold.

Nova of course really hates sharks, b/c they took her grandfather away. Who can blame her? Can Fin and his family and friends escape Los Angeles? Or will they become shark bait in the biggest recorded natural disaster in history?

The good news is that Sharknado is about as competent of a film as you can expect for a movie about sharks being lifted from the sea through a hurricane and then flying out of tornadoes and crash landing on the streets (and populace) of Los Angeles, causing much mayhem and wreckage, and a helluva lot of traffic jams along the way. This is a The Asylum production made for television and aired on the SyFy Channel, so we're not talking Michael Bay or Ridley Scott here. Watching movies from The Asylum (especially in succession) will likely cause your IQ to precipitously drop. Even the most liberal of moviegoers will groan at the preposterous nature of these films. And frankly, that's what the filmmakers are striving for.

Sharknado takes itself surprisingly rather earnestly despite the absurd premise (which violates every law of science and nature you can find imaginable), but it definitely has a campy vibe to it. Despite the farcical premise, the filmmakers and actors seem to do their best to play it straight. It's a Catch 22 situation though. When the filmmakers pitched this idea to the studio brass, I'd imagine they were told to simply run with it. On one hand, if the filmmakers took Sharknado too seriously, audiences would boo and tune out. But if the filmmakers went the total schlock approach, and intended to make a total disasterpiece instead, it could backfire because audiences would think that they tried too hard to make a cult film. I think that was the mistake Rick Sloane made when he directed Hobgoblins. Anyway, with the entire buzz Sharknado received before and after it was aired on the SyFy Channel, I guess the saying goes that no press is negative press. Films like Sharknado are meant to be critic-proof.

There's hardly any plot exposition; Sharknado gets right down to business. Sharknado moves at a reasonable pace and it doesn't really take any time to slow down and allow audiences to catch their breath. The characters are constantly on the run from flying sharks and we feel as though we are running alongside them. Sharks themselves are bad enough, but sharks being picked up by an aggressive twister and then being thrown around? Better run for cover. The whole film is obviously tacky but somehow it manages to include some genuine moments of suspense, such as the scene where a bus full of kids (and one adult) are trapped floating in the water, surrounded by sharks swimming all over, awaiting to munch on some vulnerable human prey. The main characters arrive in the nick of time and attempt to lift the kids to safety. It's a well-executed sequence that shows that even a film with a title like Sharknado can contain some intense suspense.

Most, if not all of Sharknado's effects consist mostly of the CGI variety. The CGI effects range from actually fairly convincing (the tornadoes) to downright terrible (the explosions and the sharks themselves). The sharks look ridiculous. Put it this way, Sharktopus looked more realistic! Some may argue that "Bruce" from Jaws looked fake at times, but between computer generated imagery and mechanical effects, the latter will always win out. There is a lot of green screen so the actors had to imagine flying sharks headed their way. Otherwise, production values are sufficient and some can argue that the cheap looking computer illustrated sharks adds to the deliberate charm.

Sharknado has some gory moments, but not as explicit as in other TV shows like The Walking Dead, The Following, or even Breaking Bad. The goriest scene has a shark chomping a bystander's arm off and you see quite a bit of blood spraying. You also see other people get swallowed whole by these sharks with much spilled blood.

Any attempts at character development are rubbish at best and almost laughable. We do eventually learn how Cassie got the scar on her leg, but it's not a surprise revelation. We also see Fin and April try to reconcile their relationship while Fin tries to spend some quality time with his daughter to make up for his lack of parenting. Who would've thought that flying sharks coming from tornadoes will provide an opportunity for a father to make amends for being absent through most of his daughter's life? A moment like this always brings a father and daughter closer together. The actors do an OK job and nobody really embarrasses themselves here. Maybe except Tara Reid, who slept walked through the film and is probably wondering how far her career has fallen Who would have thought that starring in a film directed by Uwe Boll would be her post-American Pie career highlight? And John Heard, who was wasted (in more ways than one) with his throwaway role as the skirt-chasing, patronizing George, who would make Barney Gumble and Norm Peterson feel embarrassed. Cassie Scerbo is engaging as the sassy Nova who's armed to the teeth with her favorite shark killing weapon, a 12 gauge shotgun. Both Ian Ziering and Jaason Simmons seem really self-aware as to the ridiculous proceedings of everything and just seem to have fun with their roles so I give them credit for being good sports. Reportedly, Ian Zierling agreed to appear in this movie so that he can obtain the health insurance necessary to cover his family. Ouch. With that said, Ziering does seem to be in on the joke of it all as he comes up with random wisecracks that he probably just made up on the spot.

Sharknado has so many jaw-dropping moments that it would be impossible for me to list them all. For starters, there is a ferris wheel that is ripped loose from its hub and is then spinning out of control, rolling in the streets of Santa Monica and destroying buildings. A couple of characters also come up with the idea to fly a helicopter towards the tornadoes, and throwing bombs into the eye of the storm in an attempt to neutralize it. Yeah, it kind of stretches scientific feasibility but we're not talking Stephen Hawking here. And check out the ending, which, even if we accept the film for what it is, completely defies logic. Let's just say that sharks apparently lack a digestive system...

Is Sharknado destined to be the next great cult classic? Not sure, as it doesn't have the loosened up, what the hell attitude of similar films like Snakes in the Plane and Karate-Robo Zaborgar, but it will definitely gain a loyal audience of bad movie lovers. I mean, I had a good time and all watching Sharknado, but I wasn't cheering or laughing with the characters as much I thought I would. But overall, Sharknado is a decent watch and not a bad film to rent or stream on a slow, lazy Sunday. While I had more fun with films like Snakes in a Plane, Sharknado passes the cheese test. Watching Sharknado is likely eating your favorite recipe deep-fried; both could be hazardous to your health. But if you are willing to take the risk, shut off your brain, sit back, and enjoy.

Watch out for the monumental showdown between a man with a chainsaw and a lethal set of jaws...