Review of Sharknado (2013) by Karene A — 13 Aug 2013

Talk about high-brow jokes! For cinema snobs, this film includes a scene where a major character (Australian, too - I'm proud) looks over the impossibly red ocean filling a suburban house after a vicious shark-break-and-enter, observing, "Looks like it's someone's time of the month." This is what it means when someone gets torn apart in your living room in a world where sharks learn to fly through the air and live on land without oxygen. You get bloody pools everywhere, people, so forget your white carpet. It's gone. Find higher ground. The sharks will still find you there, but your house won't have menstruation issues.

For those assuming a world with flying sharks would be easy, you've forgotten a few things: 1) Flying sharks will always, always land on top of you, jaw first, and swallow you whole when thrown by a sharknado, even if you're somewhere deserted. 2) Being swallowed by a shark does not necessarily mean you are dead. You can punch your way out. Then punch your way back in to rescue whoever's left in the shark's belly. 3) If you see a deserted school bus moving with the flood, stop trying to escape the city and rescue the kids. In the next scene, there will be kids on that bus for you to save. Believe me. 4) If Ian Ziering and Tara Reid had a kid, she would be inexplicably hot and look the age Tara Reid thinks she is. 5) It turns out we can stop tornados and/or sharknados from happening, but only by dropping a bomb into each one. Storm-chasers, you're out of a job. 6) Stopping sharknados by dropping bombs into them only means you scatter hungry flying sharks across a wider surface area, rather than having sharks just flyin' and chillin' with the sharknado.

While watching, I observed, "Ian Ziering deserves better than this" - in between gasping laughter. (Borderline asthma attack.) I was thinking about 90210. That's saying something, yes, but I consoled myself with the fact that everyone knew what they were doing when they walked onto this set.

Also, don't laugh at the sleazy, gross old drunk guy that keeps grabbing your body at your local bar. He may be secretly loaded and secretly lethal, using his favourite stool to smash flying sharks out of your path. He might even make a few sage comments before he dies. You could learn something.