Review of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) by Jonathan Y — 24 Mar 2009

You would think at some point in the filming of this monstrosity that someone on the team would have said, "wait, this is beyond stupid and it would be a better use of our budget of $11.75 if we bought the studio a 'thank you' paper weight for letting us waste their time on a holiday film that is about as enjoyable as nailing your foot to a railroad track.

" Alas, it was not meant to be. I suppose this is "classic" in the strictest of cults but if you do not know what you're in for, this movie may destroy you. For one thing, Santa does not punch a single Martian in the face.

Martian children (on Mars, natch) are lifeless beings who feel no joy so apparently the solution here is to kidnap Santa Claus from Earth with a really dumb robot acting as the enforcing arm and kidnapper of two random Earth children that tag along for Santa's misadventures, which also involves one angry Martian trying to kill Santa (twice) and the most annoying theme song you have ever heard ("S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S, hooray for Santa Claus!" is pure auditory pain).

Yes, this is as horrifyingly stupid as it sounds and no, there is nothing redeemable about this nonsense. Not the actors (all of them are dreadful, especially the token "goofy" Martian), not the sets (Santa's Martian workshop makes a whopping seven toys), not the props (I've had dish rags that were more intimidating than the "polar bear" that attacks our two Earth children in one scene) and certainly not the direction (clumsy, uninspired and yet, by some miracle, everyone on screen genuinely believes in this product).

This may be worth watching only as a means of curing your insomnia or holiday hangovers.