Review of Romeo Is Bleeding (1993) by Nick C — 03 May 2004

Looking for Gary O.

I'm tired. The basement is a complete mess, oh, watch your step, don't want you go up in flames. Yes, my darling, this dim lit basement is very flammable and I've been up all night, a three day sleepless spree of chemicals, nausea, and mind racking clamor. And my darling, it's an emphasis on mind-altering syrup to serve the higher ups. No, I haven't lost my mind, not yet, just mixing up some chemicals in my basement, putting together a little something, a little potion to slip into the martini glasses of those discerning casting GODS who are sitting way up hi on the heavenly clouds of hollywood, ignoring an all consuming master of his art actor=Gary Oldman. I'm tired, to say the least, and I don't want you to go KaBoom, so be careful, cuz I want a witness as I hand off my experiment and see if it works.

Yes, I'm Jones in' for some Gary O, and I can't find it anywhere. I'm looking for the actor, I thought, and still think, is one of the all time curators of his craft. So, I went to my Video Store Dive and rented "Sin" starring Gary O and Rhames. YIKES!!! And that's what sent me spiraling down towards my basement to fix my concoction that I coined the: "THE GARY O".

Ya see, the plight of Oldman has a striking resembalance to another actor who I admire so, and that my friends ='s W. Defoe. Yes, these two masters are on the same eye line. Gary O's career is a goddamn mirror image of Defoe's, and I can't sit back and watch it happen again. I decided to take action. So, I stole the folder from our Casting Gods on how they critique actors and it's pretty thin, but it goes like...

1.GOODLOOKS.

2.MARKETING.

3.TALENT.

Okay, number one = Da Looks.

Is Gary Goodlooking= No, Gary is not your goodlooking leading, stone cut actor. This is not working in his favor.

Okay, number two = Da Market.

Is Gary Marketable = No, Gary is not marketable. As mentioned above he's not a teen idol sex GOD O.C. poster boy household name or face. This is definitely not working in his favor.

Okay, number three = Da Skills.

Is Gary Talanted = you bet your ass.

One out of three = The career of Gary Oldman.

Gary O has a list of great supporting gigs = "JFK", "True Romance", "The Contender" and even in "The Professional", Gary played supporting band to Reno... so on and so on. Can't they see? I mean, Gary can hold a film as well. He can carry the torch. He is an actor who can make a role memorable and make a sub-par film amazing. But, the Casting GODS are not privy or neglect our chameleon of an actor, it's as if they do not know what to do with him. Where to place him. You know, type-cast him as such and such who plays this and that, leaving one of the planets greatest actors in the Hollywood Limbo.

Yes, I'm tired my darling, and I don't know if my potion will work, but it's worth a try. So, I'll take a sip and...

CUT TO:

BLURRY IMAGES.

AND THEN.

Shit!!!

You look funny...

Hey, Darling...

I think the "Gary O" potion is working, cuz...

Jesus, you look like...

Gary Oldman = 9.