Review of Return of the Jedi (1983) by Diego T — 08 Aug 2014

After this rewatch of the entire Star Wars saga, I don't think I'll see any of these films again for a really long time, just because these films are a lot more fun if viewings are far apart. However, I have no reservations about saying that this viewing will be the last time I will ever sit through Return of the Jedi. Many people cite this film as a high point in the Star Wars franchise, sending the characters out with a bang, wrapping up all the loose ends from the rest of the franchise, and altogether tying things up in a neat little bundle. Nothing could be further from the case. I felt obligated to like this movie, as it's a classic and the last thing I wanted to do was to say that Attack of the Clones was better than it, but after suffering through this painful movie yet again, I've reached an inescapable conclusion: Return of the Jedi fucking sucks, and the people who like it are deluding themselves.

In the final (at least for now) chapter in the Star Wars saga, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) has fully become a Jedi, and is leading the rebel alliance to try and stop the Emperor from building a new Death Star, which is miraculously near completion despite the first one having taken almost two decades and this one being given only a year at best. The problem: The Second Death Star is protected by a shield being generated from the nearby forest moon of Endor. Endor is populated by a group of furry little creatures called Ewoks that have a knack for both killing stormtroopers and selling plush toys that pay for George Lucas's summer home. Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) attempt to knock out the force field, while Luke confronts Darth Vader and the Emperor.

My biggest problem with this movie is that it's lazy. In individual scenes, you can tell just how little the writers cared about what happened to the film overall. There's an inordinate amount of bad slapstick (which heralds the things to come in The Phantom Menace), and it really drags the whole thing down, constantly reminding you that you're watching a PG movie. In one scene, the droids fall into the sand, and are then shown sticking out of it upside-down. In another, the Ewoks are decimating the stormtrooper army with a bunch of well-placed sticks. Even the overall production value of this movie feels less like a Star Wars film and more like the Star Wars Holiday Special. It's like watching a bunch of middle schoolers try to reenact Star Wars on a crappy budget, and forgetting all the best parts of it.

Meanwhile, the script, which showed such promise in Empire, returns to its original badness... and then some. There's a scene between Luke and Leia on a bridge in the Ewok village that almost made me slit my wrists. Not one line of dialogue in this film is even remotely believable or well-delivered. Even Harrison Ford, who was once the crown jewel for the movies, phones it in and collects another paycheck without giving any effort whatsoever. The movie also has a purveying tone of family-friendly cartoonishness that makes it absolutely intolerable to sit through. And yes, I'm talking about the Ewoks. Others have gone into far more detail than I have as to why these fuzzy little revenue generators suck the big one, so I'll just leave it at this: Lucas basically saw a teddy bear and said "Holy shit, kids love that kind of crap!" He then had ILM cut all their Wookiee costumes in half, and TA-DAAAA! 150 million dollars!

This film's laziness extends far beyond those insufferable little rodents, however. The two major plot points of this movie are just recycled from the two previous films. Death Star is built, leading to chaotic space battle? Check. Main character is revealed to be part of Lukes family? Check. I understand what the writers were trying to do, going with what worked in the other two films and just giving audiences more of it. However, the Star Wars movies are supposed to be original, and the lack of creativity displayed here makes this installment off-putting and dull. Very little is done with the premise, and even the film's best moments drag on for what feels like an eternity. I lost count of how many times the Emperor said "This is the end of the rebellion" or "Your friends have failed" or "Now you will die" or words to that effect. No effort was put into the acting, no effort was put into the script, and of course no effort was put into the story. Everything about this film is just a cheap, cynical cash grab, and watching this soulless load of shit goes down in history as one of the most painful experiences in my moviegoing career. To put it in perspective, I laughed out loud at The Phantom Menace, because it was so stupid it was funny. During this film... I just cringed.

Final Score for Return of the Jedi: 2/10 stars. Yep, lower than Attack of the Clones, but not because Clones is any good... it's just better than this steaming load of manure. For a while, I tried to convince myself to like this movie, but man, what a stinker. I give it these two stars only because it was fun to see the fucking Emperor finally get his ass handed to him, but literally nothing else about this film is watchable. Watching the end of this movie is like watching a rehash of everything good about the other two films, but with the heart and fun completely sucked out of it. Altogether a nightmarish movie that I couldn't wait to finally be done with, just so my suffering could end. And to all the Jedi fans out there whose worlds are coming crashing down around them right now... yub yub, motherfuckers. This movie blows.