Review of Retardead (2008) by Robert B — 27 Sep 2011

Retardead (Rick Popko and Dan West, 2008).

As politically incorrect as it may be, one of my favorite zombedies of recent years is Phillips and Simmons' 2006 crapfest Special Dead. I know I'm going to hell for laughing as hard as I did at that movie, but in the end, despite its surface shtick, there's actually a germ of true affection for the movie's mentally challenged characters. I know you didn't see Special Dead. Almost no one has. So my comparing it to this turkey will mean absolutely nothing to you. Just trust me as I ramble on to finish out this paragraph. In any case, I was kind of hoping that Retardead, Popko and West's sequel to their classic* Monsturd, would have that same affection. For that matter, I'd hoped given the title that the mentally-challenged natures of the characters would, in a way similar to Special Dead be integral to the plot. I mean, you look at a title like Retardead, you can understand my thinking, right?

More fool me. This is exactly the sort of mean-spirited tripe that gives political incorrectness a bad name; the mentally challenged characters are there for the sole purpose of the audience to ridicule. (And it's definitely for the audience; the characters in the film don't do so at all.) And I know this is probably something really stupid to get mad about, but... they're not even convincingly acted as mentally challenged. They're just bad actors acting badly. They seem about as mentally challenged as the characters in Zombies Ate My Neighbours: The Movie or Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter. Since you didn't see those either, no character in either of those movies (that I can recall) was supposed to be mentally challenged. Yes, the acting when it came to that sort of thing in Special Dead was way over the top, but at least it was obvious that the actors understood the difference between playing a mentally-challenged character and playing a person with complete faculties.

I'd probably even be willing to put up with that given some aspect of this movie, anything, that would have made it watchable. (Aside from the Living Dead Girls dance number, which was hot. But I digress.) But... no. Script, direction, sets, lighting, soundtrack, all worthless. Emily Hagins, who was twelve years old when she directed Pathogen, has more understanding of what makes a good zombie movie than do Popko and West.

Absolutely worthless. The only reason the rating isn't lower is that, god help me, I watched three or four movies over the past month I actually hated more than this dreck. * Â 1/2.

*note: in case you missed it, that was sarcasm.