Review of Redline (2007) by Alex P — 14 Nov 2007

â??Redlineâ?? is absolutely ridiculous. Itâ??s like it was scripted by a 14 year-old boy.

The dialogue is a bunch of sophomoric macho bullshit for the most part, and the plot is recycled and cliché. It even starts out with a voiceover introducing the major characters that is so fucking bad itâ??s silly:

â??The eccentric: He plays by his own rules.â??

â??The war hero: He fights for what he believes in.â??

AND Iâ??M NOT SHITTING YOU.

There are three guys who like to make huge wagers on stupid shit: A movie producer named Jerry Brecken (Tim Matheson, who couldnâ??t possibly need the money THAT bad), a music mogul named Infamous (Eddie Griffin, selling his soul yet again), and Michael, a guy who is apparently incredibly wealthy but also COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE (Angus MacFadyen, with memories of Robert the Bruce in his distant past). The stupid shit flavor-of-the-month is street racing. Each guy chooses a car and a driver and they race. Michaelâ??s driver is his nephew Jason, who dresses like the blonde from â??Queer Eyeâ??. Thereâ??s an admittedly cool sequence over the opening credits where Jason drives a Ferrari from Los Angeles to Las Vegas at night in an hour and forty-five minutes. Just in case you were wondering, MapQuest puts the distance at about 270 miles, so yeah, heâ??s going pretty fast. He has the headlights off, so as not to attract attention from the highway patrol, but thatâ??s okayâ?¦ heâ??s wearing infra-red goggles. Neat!

But itâ??s all downhill from there. Jasonâ??s brother Carlo (Nathan Phillips from â??Wolf Creekâ?? and â??Snakes on a Planeâ??) returns home from Iraq, but he really hates Uncle Michael. Uh-Oh, CONFLICT! Carlo gets into fights with groups of guys for no apparent reason. You know, cause heâ??s a WAR HERO.

Eddie Griffin hires Natasha to drive for him, even thought she doesnâ??t want to. You see, Natasha is a mechanic/slash/female-lead-singer-of-a-rock-band whose father used to be a NASCAR driver but he died in a crash and thatâ??s why she doesnâ??t want to race, but Eddie Griffin promises her a recording contract for her band which is odd because itâ??s obviously the worst band EVER (Natasha is played by Nadia Bjorlin, who is fucking hot, but also fucking terrible (not as bad as Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel, though)).

So anyway, she races against Jason. Uncle Michael has taken a shine to her, and he bets 5 million against Eddie Griffin, but Eddie Griffin only has 3 million so he also puts Natashaâ??s services in the pot. If Jason wins, Uncle Michael owns Natasha. They race, and itâ??s very exciting â?¦ I guess ... and Natasha is about to win, but Jason hits the Nitrous boosters and wins, but the brakes donâ??t work and he wrecks and dies. In a related crash, Natasha is knocked unconscious. Carlo swears revenge against Uncle Michael as Natasha is taken away in an ambulance to Uncle Michaelâ??s palatial estate. She is his property now, and sheâ??ll learn to love him â?¦ in time. Carlo goes to an old army buddy, I guess, and the old army buddy gives him an assault rifle and a couple of glocks and a bunch of C4(!), and he storms the palatial estate to kill Uncle Michael but instead he rescues Natasha, and the two of them go to a bar and do shots of tequila and slow dance and fall in love. But Uncle Michael owes money to the wrong people â?¦ a lot of money â?¦ 80 Million Dollars Worth! But, oh no! Uncle Michael doesnâ??t have 80 Million Dollars! And he owes 80 Million Dollars to the WRONG PEOPLE â?¦ dum dum DUMMMMMMM!!!

So he makes a winner take all bet for one last race, 30 million dollars from each guy. But in order to get Natasha to race for him, Uncle Michael kidnaps her Mom, and says heâ??ll kill her if Natasha doesnâ??t win. And when she gets to the race, the guy whoâ??s driving Eddie Griffinâ??s car is the NASCAR driver who KILLED NATASHAâ??s FATHER.

Uh-Oh, PRESSURE!

But while sheâ??s racing, Carlo stages a daring daylight raid on the boxing gym where Natashaâ??s mom is being held, but luckily sheâ??s only being guarded by two guys and, even though one of them is played by martial arts legend Ernie Reyes Jr., they're COMPLETELY incompetent and he rescues Natashaâ??s mom, and he calls Natasha on her cell phone during the race to tell her that Mom is A-OK, and even though sheâ??s winning, she stops the car right before the finish line, and Tim Mathesonâ??s guy wins the race and Eddie Griffin is pissed and Uncle Michael canâ??t pay his debts and he canâ??t kill Natashaâ??s mom, so the wrong people come to â??take him for a rideâ??. Uh-oh, I hope they donâ??t â??whack himâ?? or â??rub him outâ?? or â??send him to sleep with the fishesâ??.

And Carlo conveniently forgets all about his brotherâ??s death and Natasha gets a new recording contract with Tim Matheson and sheâ??s a certified hit, ladies and gents, and Carlo and Natasha live happily ever after â?¦ The End.

Could you follow all of that? Did I move too quickly for you? I know there were a lot of unexpected twists and turns, and I want to make sure you understood everythingâ?¦.

Didja get it? Good, cause if you didnâ??t, you might want to give back your high school diploma.

Oh, and of couse, not only is it poorly written, itâ??s also like some kind of adolescent fantasy.

Fast Cars. Kung Fu. Explosions. Boobies. They're all here, and that's all there is.

This is the brainchild of producer Daniel Sadek, who apparently is just some real estate shark from Orange County, who used his own personal exotic car collection for the film, and wents millions of dollars in debt in the process. Great job, dude. Got one question for ya. Was it worth it?

Here's the weirdest thing about this movie: I was watching this the whole time, thinking the script is maybe the worst I have ever seen in a fully produced film ... unless of course you count.

"Mr. Jingles", which of course, doesn't count, because it's not a film, because it was shot with a fucking CAMCORDER.

But here's the cosmic thing: The story is by Daniel Sadek, and the screenplay was written by some guy named Robert Foreman. His only other writing credit is an upcoming film called "Little Red Devil," which is being directed by Thomasina Brunswick, who is none other than the auteur who brought you ... "Mr. Jingles.".

SPOOKY.