Review of Red Road (2006) by Dan C — 10 Dec 2011

90 minutes into this dismally boring movie, before which nothing at all happens except a woman cop off duty cruises and hits on a random asshole, at last we arrive at something just so rewarding it makes the ordeal worthwhile.

A graphic cunnilingus scene with a forest of pubic hair followed by "Due ya want ta fook me?" in the barely understandable Scots brogue of the film, and yes, he does, and for your artistic pleasure there's his cock, nice and huge, and he jams it into her and it's all so aesthetically tawdry film critics have fallen all over themselves to rave about this exceptional director.

If you had been under the impression that Midnight Cowboy was the greatest film about the human underbelly, you haven't been screwed into paying to see this bomb. After the sex, she leaves and hits herself in the face with a rock.

And then...guess what! This guy she's been stalking? She knows him! From something horrible he did! So horrible she had to have sex with him and stage a rape to punish him. And then he confesses to her.

I felt good all over and didn't need to shoot heroin after the picture. Instead, I shot myself.