Review of RED (2010) by Mobyslick — 15 Oct 2010

DO NOT WANT. This movie is bad on many levels despite the all-star cast. The main reasons are that the SUPER LOUD action is simply ridiculous and therefore boring, and the plot is not credible in the slightest. To elaborate, none of the characters here behave in a manner consistent with what a real person would do. They are exaggerated caricatures that come across as very shallow. Are these the kind of people you can agree with, much less cheer for? I hope not. An ex-CIA operative comes stalking (literally) out of retirement. Shows up in the home of a much younger, attractive, and apparently self-sufficient woman who somehow can't find a boyfriend. Why? Don't ask questions, it ruins the only chance you will enjoy this tripe! OK, so she puts up very light, almost comic faux-resistance to being kidnapped by her stalker, and when he finally reveals he's the target of an expensive full-team assassination plot by the good ol' gummint of the USA (why not just poison him or snipe him at his mailbox that he is shown walking to), immediately joins forces with him WITHOUT QUESTION. This former Social Security desk employee is now a fully-committed rebel acting against her government. Unbelieveable. And when she gets assault rifles pointed at her, or sees people blown up and shot, this former customer service phone-answerer does not bat an eyelid nor does she quiver in fear, but turns out to have the reactions of a trained infiltration agent. Credit given to audience for intelligence: 0. Next!

Now on the the very wearisome gathering of allies. Nothing original here - Bruce makes a few stops where viewers can go "Look! It's %former_A_list_actor%!" And each one does their tapdance to make the audience chuckle, skipping off arm-in-arm with our rebel. OK so now we've got the heroic rebel, his Stockholm-suffering hostage, the dependable foil, the crazy gun dude, the former nemesis turned ally, and the dont-mess-with-me granny. Blah!

As far as plot this movie alternates thus - a scene of of comic relief / intelligence gathering / plan making, followed by a scene of US government employees being tricked and / or killed in cold blood. Especially awesome is when John Malkovich cracks a joke right after making a fresh kill. Bruce, just die already and save the country a lot of grief and the taxpayers a lot of money. I'm not even that fond of the institution, but this movie actually made me wish they would win.

The plot is an insult to any self-respecting person, especially Americans. The whole thing just makes the government look like demonic clowns. I sat and sighed through the first hour and a quarter, then finally left in disgust as the same shallowness and terrible ideas were repeated over and over. You've seen all the action before, there is nothing but special effects to it. You've heard the story told much better and without the insulting elements. Save yourself the time and avoid the tarnish that this stinker puts on some formerly stellar actors.