Review of Prometheus (2012) by Variola_Major — 02 Dec 2012

So let me get this straight... In the future, two archaeologists discover a 35.000 years old cave painting, in Scotland. Painted by humans who seemed to worship giant aliens, members of superior space-faring race. Similar finds were made all over the world, of artifacts left behind by independent civilizations that shared no contact. Apparently those ancient aliens posed as Gods, were friendly, and yet, with such teachers and sponsors, all that those humans were able to leave behind were cave paintings made with charcoal and some stone tools. THIS ALONE makes archaeologists forget all about Lucy and other famous australopithecines and hominids. Screw Darwin. We were CREATED... umm...engineered. Because one archaeologist "chose to believe so." Jesus of Nazareth was an alien hybrid, she concludes, I guess. Insulting pseudo-religious anti-science diarrhea at it's best. But wait, it gets worse... On those ancient artifacts are included identical star maps that look like an invitation, she chose to believe. Invitation from whom, you might ask, invitation to go where? Well, invitation from our gods, umm... aliens I mean. To go where? WELL, TO GO VISIT AN ANCIENT ALIEN BIOWEAPONS STORAGE FACILITY, OF COURSE !!! So naturally, humans go and visit. Why would a super advanced race of Engineers invite their Children to visit a bioweapons storage facility, and not a Temple of Knowledge???

A trillionaire named Weyland pays for a space exploratory mission, THE Mission, Mission of all missions. So one would think that such a Mission would be populated by crown jewels of modern science, Cream of the Cream, the Super Intelligentsia, the very best that future Harvard, Oxford and Stanford will be able to offer the richest ,most powerful man on the planet Earth.

Right ? Wrong. Weyland handpicked a bunch of retards whose intellect operates on a level of a ten-year-old who learned science from comic books, and bad comic books at that !!! An archaeologist suddenly becomes an expert in genetics and biochemistry, while moron biologist gets lost with a sociopathic geologist in a 3D-mapped cave, while being able to communicate with captain. Alien genome is identical to human genome. Scientists remove their helmets twenty minutes after entering a compound on a foreign planet which they KNOW is populated with alien biology and potential pathogens. And when they encounter a foreign organism (after discovering a bunch of mutilated alien corpses !!!), a sinister looking cobra-like worm, the very first alien humans ever encountered, what do they do ? They start laughing and giggling like drunk high school kids, you know, those retarded football types, and they start petting that god-damned thing. 2000-years-old mummified corpses are twitching like they died five minutes ago and suddenly explode, spraying gallons of bodily fluids all over the lab. That's after those silly "scientists" poke the corpse with an electric needle !!! Yes, that's ancient mummies I'm talking about. A woman who just went through fully opened abdominal surgery is stitched like a cardboard and starts running around. Literally ! They find strange organic liquid stored in vases, on an industrial scale, in ancient alien temple - nobody bothers to properly analyze it. Have you ever seen a NASA news conference or mission room after they landed a new probe on Mars? Those scientists are hugging each other with tears in their eyes. Their voices are shaking. AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN LAND ON MARS PERSONALLY, THEY JUST SUCCESSFULLY LANDED A ROVER!!! Landing on an alien world is every geologist's wet dream, every geologist masturbates to the thought of that! And what does our Prometheus' geologist have to say when he wakes up from cryo-sleep? "Don't bother me with your friendship, I'm here to make money." It's like he just broke out of jail. And so on and on. The idiocy of these so called scientists is beyond belief and it just never stops. It just gets worse and worse with every additional scene. It is actually quite astonishing just how stupid this film is. Is Lindelof mentally retarded? Definitely. It's either that or he just did it on purpose, out of sheer perversion. Is Scott senile? Or just criminally under-educated egomaniacal quasi-intellectual masturbator ? You tell me... I'm perfectly able to enjoy "childish" sci-fi, like Transformers. That's because Michael Bay didn't set out to cheat me. He said Transformer movie is about a sexy couple, cool giant robots, ultra-spectacular action scenes and... that's it. That's what Michael Bay promised us and that's EXACTLY what he delivered. I respect Bay for his unpretentious honesty and I wasn't at all disappointed by his films, in fact - I enjoyed them very much ! But this Prometheus was sold to me as a quintessential A-Movie, a masterpiece of serious, intelligent Sci-Fi. It was supposed to be an intellectual Sci-Fi film. I feel raped.