Review of Priest (2011) by Martin L — 01 Feb 2012

Cornering as*-kicking priest roles seems to be a routine Paul Bettany has perfected. Coming right on the heels of the murderous Albino monk in Da Vinci Code, the gorgeous Brit now headlines, Priest, a man-battles-vampires epic. (He also took on the role of Michael in Legion, a rebel angel out to save mankindâ(TM)s last hope even against the order of his Big Boss. Must be the gorgeous but sinister features that give Paul the edge over other actors when it comes to holy assassins.) Great. Another vampire movie. This one is more like, âGreat. Another vampire movie with a nice premise but sucked big time.â?

Since time immemorial, men and vampires have been at war. The carnage has proven too costly, especially for men, people started living in church-protected walled-cities. To put an end on the unstoppable vampire menace, the church created an army of priests trained in Vampire Combat. When the last vampire hive have been liquidated, the services of the priests were no longer needed and most of them were stripped off their powers and authorities. Peace reigned or so it seems until a couple was killed and their daughter (Lily Collins) was kidnapped by the fanged-monsters. Her lover, a brash sheriff (Cam Gigandet) called on the assistance of priest (Bettany) to save her. Going against the orders of the monsignors (Christopher Plummer) and his vows, the priest forged ahead to clean up this vampire mess. With the help of fellow warrior (Maggie Q), this soldier of God to give these blood-suckers their due. Awaiting is an old acquaintance who has some nightmarish surprise for the priest.

I am going to divide the discussion in three parts: 1) the setting 2) the vampire lore and 3) the church. The setting is amazing because of the vagueness of the era. I like ambiguities. Outside the walled cities, the villages or Wasteland look something out of a Western movie. Except for motorbikes and armored vehicles, iconic Hollywood cowboys will not feel out of place entering the frame with their sharp spurs on. It is the cities though that had me wanting to live there. Despite the coldness and dampness of its atmosphere, it is thriving via high-end technologies and cool gadgetries. Think of it as the grimier and grittier metropolis in Minority Report. (People are even carrying parasols!) Oh. I forgot. The church protecting the cities are big time. Complete with huge flatscreen monitors for daily prayers and the most awesome confession boxes ever. Yep. Even a non-religious person like me finds the place quite appealing.

Unlike most pop culture vampires, e.g., vampire-bitten humans or sparkling emo ones, the blood-suckers in the movie were born pure monsters. Hard-core, snarling, devouring vampires created to kill and kill more. These vampires fit well in the explanation, God (or the Creator or the Great Architect) also created the creatures of the dark. However, they were shunned and mistreated forcing them further into the abyss until they decided to fight back against the chosen race, mankind. I was hoping for the manipulation of such angle. Instead, the filmmakers took pains inserting bee-related references for their vampire lore. Yes. Bees. The social insects. Vampire Home = Hive. Vampire Home Guard = Hive Guard. Vampire Leader = Queen. The hell.

But the real misfire is the underutilization of the church as the possible villain. Or red herring. If the leading monsignor keeps on pronouncing, âRemember, to go against the church is to go against God,â? it is a sure sign that he represents something sinister. For example: the church used the vampire menace to their fullest advantage; lied about the progress of its eradication; imposed dogmatic rule that it is the lone institution that can keep people safe; and stripped the Priests of their power because the group became more popular than the church itself. Sounds familiar? It is called the Dark Ages. The villainous record of the church shames vampires. Yes. I support the Reproductive Health Bill.

So if I felt the set design is the best thing about this movie then it is a sure sign it is terrible. I hope Paul receives better movie offers. He is good and gorgeous. Respect him.

RATING: C.