Review of Poseidon (2006) by Ryan H — 04 Dec 2010

Soulless, brainless, high-speed GARBAGE.

I love "The Poseidon Adventure" (1972) It is a great movie, with an awesome story, and cool characters. I greatly enjoyed the contrast and relationship between the preacher and the cop. It was emotional, kickass, powerful...this is not a remake of that...its a big FUCK YOU to it.

Dont give a fuck about any of these Ass clowns...especially that dumbass kid whos mother thinks that Smushing his face will somehow make him feel better. I really liked the Fag Mr. Hooper(JAWS) until he shook off the Hispanic dude. Fuck them all!

Cardboard cutouts. Especially the dude who slaps the girls asses. Come on dude....seriously? The mom is a HORRIBLE actress by the way.

Haha lucky Larry just got hit with a giant falling CG....oven..or some shit. Oh, and now da bitch says I wanna marry the dude. Sorry honey, nobody cares. We had ZERO time to connect with your lame ass story.

God damn, the kid in the original was annoying as hell, ive always hated him, but at least He was useful! He had lines, a point, a reason for being....WTF is this kid here for? He needs to be building some dams with his beaver friends, not tagging along on a Poseidon adventure.

Nominated "Academy Award for Visual Effects." Are You fucking kidding me? Ive seen better CG on a paper napkin at Sonny's. OSCARS=BULLSHIT.

The first minute of this movie is some of the worst CG boat footage Ive ever seen. Titanic came out in 1997 and it looked awesome. What the fuck happened to this movie's CG department? Hey guys, remember Jurassic Park? That had CG in it too, and it was amazing. oh and that was 1993!!!

...One more thing before I forget this shit forever....Where was Fag Mr. Hooper's redemption? Didnt that seem like a plot point set up...and then nothing. I mean, he shook off the one dude and killed him...then that dude's girl dies....and Mr. Hooper survives. Shouldn't he have sacrificed himself for her or them or something? Instead..nothing is resolved or anything. He gets saved..THE END....LAME.