Review of Police Academy (1984) by Owen T — 10 Jan 2011

"When THESE cops hit the streets, even the bad guys die laughing!

"The new police recruits. Call them slobs. Call them jerks. Call them gross. - Just don't call them when you're in trouble.".

"Be a police officer. All you do is join the farce.".

A group of good-hearted but incompotent misfits enter the police academy, but the instructors there are not going to put up with their pranks. Cast includes Steve Guttenberg as Mahoney, Michael Winslow (Jones), Kim Cattrall (Thompson), Bubba Smith (Hightower), GW Bailey (Lt. Harris), George Gaynes (Commandant Lassard), and David Graff (Tackleberry).

Kind of a rip off of Stripes, with Guttenberg doing the Billy Murray character, but still one of the best films of the series, and the only one rated R.

[Hightower smashes into the bumper of another car].

Carey Mahoney: You didn't hit the brakes.

Moses Hightower: You didn't tell me to.

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: My name is Lieutenant Harris! In case you missed it. This is Sergeant Callahan! In case you missed it. We are the meanest instructors here. We've got you because you are the worst people here. You are "D" Squad; "D" for "dirtbags." When I say: "Hey, dirtbags!" that means you. You people are going to hate my guts for the rest of your lives. I am going to make you sorry that you ever came here.

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George Martin: To me, marriage is a sacred institution. So tell me, you and the wife do it doggie-style, or what?

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Carey Mahoney: Sleeping is for fags.

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Son, where did you get that gun?

Cadet Eugene Tackleberry: [smiling proudly] My mum gave it to me.

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Mahoney! Remember, that nobody screws with me.

Carey Mahoney: Well, maybe you'll meet the right girl and all that will change.

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[after Hightower has been thrown out of the Academy].

Cadet Leslie Barbara: Of all the guys who I thought were gonna make it, Hightower was the one. I mean, if all the cops looked like him there'd be no crime at all.

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[a thug, after being knocked down some stairs, realizes he's still got a gun in his waist. He reaches for it, and a revolver is pointed in his face].

Cadet Laverne Hooks: DON'T MOVE, DIRTBAG!

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You make me sick.

Carey Mahoney: Thank you, sir. I make everybody sick.

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Cadet Eugene Tackleberry: Drop that stereo before I blow your goddamn nuts off, asshole.

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Cmndt. Eric Lassard: What's wrong with this man?

Cadet Leslie Barbara: There was gunplay, sir, and he missed it.

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Mrs. Fackler: You move this car another inch and you're finished, mister. You hear me?

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Hey! Why didn't you guys call me this weekend?

Cadet Kyle Blankes: Well, nothing really happened, sir.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: There was a party, wasn't there?

Cadet Kyle Blankes: Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Well, what went on?

Cadet Chad Copeland: Dancing, sir. Mostly dancing.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [to himself] Dancing?

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Carey Mahoney: Sir. Look, sir, new pants.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [notices that Mahoney is holding the megaphone] What are you doing with that? Give me that.

[Harris grabs his megaphone from Mahoney and uses it, without noticing that Mahoney applied brown shoe polish on it].

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: All right, you scumballs. You have a 30 minutes to hit the showers and get to class. Let's go! Move it! Move it! Move it! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up, assholes!

[Harris then turns to Cmdt. Lassard, with shoe polish from his megaphone all around his lips, looking like a goatee].

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: So far, nobody's quit, but they will.

[Cmdt. Lassard laughs at Harris. Harris, thinking that perhaps he said something funny, joins his laughter].

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Now, I thought it would be nice if we were to close out our first afternoon together with a nice little stroll around the campus.

[shouts].

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Move out, maggots!

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Moses Hightower: I was a florist.

Carey Mahoney: A florist?

Moses Hightower: Yeah, you know, flowers and shit.

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Cadet Chad Copeland: Boy, there sure are a lot of spades around here.

[sees Hightower standing next to him].

Cadet Chad Copeland: [choked voice] Which I think is good. Very good for the Academy.

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Cadet Kyle Blankes: [Blankes smears potato salad on Mahoney's shirt] Your move... Ma-homo.

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: What the hell are you doing here?

Cadet Laverne Hooks: I wanna be a police officer.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: What? I can't hear you-u?

Cadet Laverne Hooks: [whispering] I wanna be a police officer.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Don't unpack.

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then, Mahoney, my little pissant... you are out of the Academy forever. Get your stuff, and get out. Too bad, so sad, bye-bye.

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You know, Mahoney, I'd like to spend the next ten weeks breaking you into little pieces. But I won't. Because you're bad. You're bad for morale, Mahoney. Oh, you look like the sweet little boy from next door. But you don't fool me, oh no. You're the devil, and you're rotten to the core, and you're ruining my chance to train some people who might make pretty good cops!

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[On their way to a riot zone].

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: We are being sent to a safe area away from the disturbance. Our job will be to divert traffic away from the trouble zone, and to protect public property. You will have live ammunition, but there will be no call to use it - TACKLEBERRY! Do you understand, numbnuts?

Cadet Eugene Tackleberry: Yes, sir.

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Well, well, well... I told you not to try me, boy. Stand up.

[Mahoney stands up].

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Now, I want you two squad leaders to take Mr. Mahoney here, and run him until he throws up.

Cadet Kyle Blankes, Cadet Chad Copeland: Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then, just after he throws up... run him some more.

Cadet Kyle Blankes, Cadet Chad Copeland: Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You are going to learn, Mahoney, that nobody - *nobody* - screws with me.

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Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [having had his head recently removed from a horse's behind] You told, no one?

Carey Mahoney: Not a soul.

[Harris passes in front of the line of cadets, and is annoyed to see that they are all straining not to laugh at him. He becomes even more annoyed when he notices that Sgt. Callahan is also on the verge of bursting out laughing. When he passes near Jones, Jones makes sound of horse neigh, as if to make it clear that everyone heard about the embarrassing incident].

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[Mahoney and Blankes are in Lt.Harris' office due to Barbara throwing the first punch at Copeland via lunch tray. Harris is cleaning his stick].

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Who threw the first punch? That's all I want to know.

Cadet Kyle Blankes: [before Mahoney can answer] Barbara did.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Barbara?

Cadet Kyle Blankes: That's right.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then he's out of here. Him and his queer dog.

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Cmndt. Eric Lassard: [Presenting a slide show just as a hooker begins to give him a blow job] Now this first SLIIIDE... shows a very, very interesting thing: our main building. On slide... TWO! We see other view... of... IT! Oh, my God, you wouldn't believe it!