Review of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) by Nostalgic9Tails — 06 Jul 2013

First off, I want to make it clear that I highly enjoyed every PoTC film, even the sequels up to AWE. Even with all their flaws, they still kept the charm of the franchise. This film, however, takes all that away.

Something I want to mention first, that no one here seems to have done, is that Penelope Cruz's character is such a blatant Mary-Sue. For anyone familiar with bad fan-fiction or books, that's how this character feels the entire time. She's the one woman Jack Sparrow ever 'had feelings for', she's just as good of a swordsman as him, and she's not only Blackbeard's first mate but also his daughter. She begins as Jack Sparrow's impersonator, then after a sword fight with him, he claims that 'only one other person knows that move' when they both do a tactic that negates each other. Then he pulls her into his arms and kisses her.

That's another severe issue of this film. This is the one time I've ever seen Capt. Sparrow act so out of character. He isn't the same, sarcastic, get-my-own-way person. They've exhausted his character to the point that he's been forced to be something he's not supposed to be. He's now cowardly and bumbling, almost like either Pintel or Ragetti from the first three films.

Then there's Blackbeard. He's apparently not only a pirate, the most infamous and horrifying pirate in existence, but a wizard. Yeah, he can control ropes on his ship to wrangle his crew, steer his ship with a gesture of his sword and stores ships of his victims in tiny bottles on his shelves. Now, I don't mind the mysticism if done well, like with characters like Barbossa and his immortality from the curse, or Davy Jones and his curse to ferry the dead. But at least they were both fictional and given a proper back story. Blackbeard was a real pirate, and a damn frightening one. But he was anything but a wizard. And he wasn't given any back story as to how he could do everything he did.

Next, there's Barbossa, or whatever's left of him. In between the third film and this one, he lost his leg and became a Captain in the Navy. When in history has ANY Captain of a pirate ship and crew managed to become a member of the Navy, especially with such ill intent as Barbossa? And the whole 'prophecy' at the beginning about a one-legged man leading to the downfall of Blackbeard was made so painfully obvious, I felt a physical pain in my head.

Then there's the mermaid subplot. Alright, I have to admit, I like the lore of mermaids being vicious vixens of the sea. But even that lore gets brushed under the carpet almost immediately with the mermaid they capture. They need a mermaid's tear to make the Fountain of Youth (a point I'll get to next) work. The one they capture acts fierce at first, but then falls for the priest on the ship because 'he's different from the others'. First off, at one point, the priest gets angry that they don't call her by her name, but then he thinks it's ok for him to give her a name instead of properly ask her what hers really is. Second, at one point, he's threatened with his life when the mermaid doesn't cry. Instead of telling her not to do it, a cliche but a noble one, he says, and I quote, "If you could produce a tear, I would be grateful". A bit of a douchy move, and he still gets his throat slit. But it's ok, because she REVIVES him shortly after. Vicious vixen you are not.

Now for the Fountain of Youth. In the film, it requires a sacrifice, where one person must give his/her remaining years to another. It also requires two goblets, the mermaid tear being in the life giving one. Ok, that's a nice take on it, if it wasn't already used hundreds of times before. And the whole switchero with Blackbeard and Cruz was the most predictable thing I've ever seen. If it was the Jack Sparrow from the first film, he would have tricked them both into sacrificing their combined years so that HE could get extra life.

I can't really say how the film's 3D effects were, because I only watched a TV film version. But from the scenes where it was obviously made for 3D (a spear up close to the camera or a skeleton hand reaching forward), I can tell, they're unimpressive. The whole gimmick of 3D is a waste of money, time and vision. Some of the scenes that could have been enhanced by it, like the Fountain of Youth or the scenes at sea were either so foggy or so shaky that 3D would have made it worse than better. Once again, I can't speak from experience, that's just how it felt watching it in 2D and wondering how it must have been for those who shelled out the extra $5 for blurry, cross-eyed inducing glasses.

I'm running out of characters, so I'll make my final thoughts brief. I do not consider this a PoTC film. I consider it Live Action PoTC Fan Fiction. From self-inserts to out of character moments to plot inconsistencies, that's exactly how it felt for me. Perhaps if it was made separately, without Capt. Jack or the few recurring PoTC characters, it could have worked. Otherwise, it's just a mess.