Review of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) by Clarisesamuels — 22 Oct 2011

I expected a moderate amount of entertainment, but this movie dragged on. The search for the Arthurian Grail has been transmuted into the search for the Fountain of Youth, with a map left for posterity by Ponce de León himself.

Johnny Depp reprises his role of Jack Sparrow very nicely. Penélope Cruz is the lure for international audiences, but she delivers her lines without expression. And while everyone else manages to look as authentically grungy as a pirate can get, Cruz always looks like she's made up for Vogue, with squeaky clean hair and perfect skin.

Even when she's dressed for piracy on the high seas, Cruz is the only one in the bunch who looks like she's off to a Halloween party for rich socialites. And vampire mermaids? Original but too jarring.

One does not expect a mermaid to have elongated canines any more than one would expect Lassie to have them. And dogs have real canines. The only reason to make this movie is if you expect to make a billion dollars, and that's exactly what the producers did.