Review of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) by Linttaflamingo — 13 Jun 2018

You can do better than this, f*cktards.

This film does a couple needed things and f*cks them up immediately. For example Jack Sparrow is more of a supporting character this time like in the first movie which is a good call. The problem is that he's a dumbass in this film. Not only is Johnny Depp's portrayal of him pretty much a parody of a parody in this movie, but the character is just a drunken retard. He's no more interesting or charismatic, he's just a random comedic relief for the most part with terrible forced comedy. Although he still looks cool. The makeup, the clothes and the hair are always going to look good on him.

Most of the characters here are pretty bland. The main actors Kaya Scodelario and Brenton Thwaites give alright performances, but unfortunately they don't have that much chemistry together and their motivations aren't that interesting. I never really felt invested in their characters or the story. The only truly interesting character in the film is the antagonist Armando Salazar, portrayed by Javier Bardem. He was excellent except when the film forced some stupid humor on his dialogue.

Speaking of the humor, it's dogsh*t. The humor ruins everything. It's just randomly forced in to the scenes for no reason. In the other films, especially the first one, the humor blended well in to the events of the scene and a lot of times the actors were able to make a scene funny even without it being the main point. But in this film all these lame unfunny things are just forced in to the scene in the most awkward way possible where they're literally rubbing it to your goddamn face and screaming "LAUGH YOU F*CKING C*NT". It's so bad that it just ruins any investment that you might've had for the scene earlier.

It's a shame really. There's definitely potential for this to be good. The antagonist is good, the main characters Henry Turner and Carina Smyth are decent and the movie looks really nice and has some alright action. But it's all absolutely ruined by the lack of an interesting story that's worth to tell and the tosh cum humor that's forced in so obviously that I was just angry with it instead of, you know, f*cking laughing like humor is supposed to have you do.