Review of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) by K Nife C — 12 Sep 2017

This movie did not need to be made, and I didn't need to watch it. Admittedly, I haven't seen any of these films since Curse of the Black Pearl and I don't remember anything about it except for there being Johnny Depp as a quirky hippy pirate, there was a reluctant love story, then magic pirate shit happens.

Well, that happens in this one too, so I don't know what everyone is complaining about. As much respect as I have for Gore Verbinsky and his flair for fun and memorable visuals, he didn't reinvent the wheel, and Rønning and Sandberg are no strangers to maritime movie-making, having previously directed Kon-Tiki about Thor Heyerdahl's epic sea expedition.

They might not be the best directing duo on the planet, but they're some of Norway's best at the moment. The whole thing goes off as you would expect. Why? Presumably because you've seen it happen four times previously.

Perhaps that is why this was panned, or maybe it's the bad acting, hackneyed plot, and pants-pissing laughable CGI. But I would contend that, if viewed in a vacuum, this movie sucks, but no worse than any other Disney franchise sequel.

With that said, I thought some of the set pieces were imaginative. They probably already happened in the previous installations, but it's still pretty cool to see a boat eat another boat. The humor and drama are both so simultaneously tepid and unremarkable that they're eye-rollingly inoffensive.

I can tell that some folks were disappointed this movie wasn't the second coming of Depp-Christ. Either that, or they resent him for phoning in his typecast for oodles of cash. I say, who cares? Kaya Scodelario looks great in a bustier.