Review of Piranha 3D (2010) by Shiira — 21 Aug 2010

Kelly goes wild, just not wild enough to get herself killed, or rather, punished by the filmmaker. The "good girl" may down a jigger of tequila, lick salt off the bare skin of a bad girl, then suck face and suck lime like a pro, but the good girl, despite her trampy conduct, does keep her top on.

This is how we know she'll survive the Grand Guignol spectacle of the "Saving Private Ryan"/"The Real Cancun" mash-up that turns out to have a surprisingly feminist bent. Don't be distracted by all the blood and breasts, and more importantly, don't make snap judgements about the film's graphic violence and liberal dose of nudity; don't be fooled.

The filmmaker has bigger fish to fry. This is hardly an empty-minded exploitation movie about the worst spring break ever. "Piranha 3D" serves as a critique on pornography; it shows how pornography works.

Jerry O'Connell plays Derrick Jones, a soft-core pornographer(clearly modeled after Joe Francis of "Girls Gone Wild" infamy) who preys on young nubiles with the hope of getting them drunk, then naked, for his "movies".

Against Jake's protestations, Kelly gets on his yacht, where she performs for the camera, but not until Derrick needles her a bit. When the piranhas go wild, the filmmaker makes a salient point about pornography's function, as bare-breasted women are literally turned into meat, slashed and severed, for the instant gratification of the fish(read: pornography's consumers).

Initially, the nudity is pleasurable(great faces, great racks), since by all appearances, it's the women's choice to be nude, but when the violence starts to intervene on sex's behalf, the film suggests that appearances can be deceiving.

After all, it's usually a man who holds the camera. As it turns out, the prehistoric fish are not old enough to spawn, so when Derrick's detached genitalia becomes fish food that one of the baby piranhas spits out, the filmmaker demonstrates the relationship between pornography and kids, who just aren't ready for D-cups, and C-cups, and etc.

etc. etc. Ultimately, "Piranha 3D" indicts the audience, indicts them on the charge of being hypocrites for cheering on Derrick's appropriate manner of demise, since porn is a ten-billion dollar business.

Pornography keeps the world spinning.