Review of Pete's Dragon (2016) by Tierney K — 22 Dec 2016

This is the most boring movie I've ever seen, and I'm counting the video-taped lectures from my math classes! Here's a summary of literally everything that happens in this movie (don't worry, no spoilers ahead):

1. The audience is lured in with an actually interesting premise: orphaned toddler gets lost in the woods, meets invisible dragon.

2. Cut to six years later, when some loggers and park rangers drive through the forest. These 7-8 characters collectively have two discernable personality traits: Female Lead Park Ranger likes kids, Evil Logger Guy likes money.

3. Female Lead Park Ranger (FLPR, or Flipper for short) finds the kid and brings him home while CPS looks for a foster home. They bond in a series of touching moments so generic it makes the average Pampers commercial look like Shakespeare.

4. The kid talks nonstop about his friend the invisible dragon. Flipper, like any sensible park ranger, knows that traumatized kids make great eyewitnesses, so she drives him up to the forest for a wild dragon hunt.

5. Sadly, Evil Logger Guy follows them, and, with the help of his Evil Logger Cronies, tranquilizes the dragon and drives him back to a warehouse-cum-prison.

6. The local sheriff, upon hearing half the town is now chasing the dragon, shows up to subdue the mighty beast/dump antipsychotics into the water supply. He opens the warehouse door, and the audience is shocked to discover that THE INVISIBLE DRAGON IS STILL INVISIBLE!

7. Flipper, her boyfriend, and the kid drive the dragon back to the woods, pursued by Evil Logger Guy. A bridge falls down. Evil Logger Guy pulls the boyfriend off the bridge, thus redeeming himself to Just-Kinda-a-Dick Logger Guy.

8. Flipper adopts the kid and they drive through the woods into the sunset. The End!

I hope you like pretty pictures of pine trees, because there's not much else going on in this movie - no dialogue, no characterization, no jokes, no action sequences, nada. The good news is you can actually watch an entertaining version of this story if you pick up the 1977 original, featuring half a dozen hilarious villains and a bunch of catchy songs. As for this remake, however - I'd literally rather watch trees grow than this aimless sentimental sleep aid.