Review of Pan (2015) by David H — 10 Oct 2015

Pan is directed by Joe Wright, and basically this movie is about the back story about Peter Pan. A prequel about this guy. But it is also a prequel about Hook, one of the most infamous villains. And it's pretty great. Whenever we have a beloved character about Pan, we want to know more about hook and his relationship with Peter Pan. But as people heard about this movie, not many people seem to care, including a friend who saw the poster and said, "pfft, Pan. Who cares?" This movie bombed in the box office, and you wonder why, because come on. A back story about Peter Pan? That sounds pretty neat. I mean look at the trailer. It looks pretty promising. But remember, trailers and looks are deceiving because after watching this movie, I'm better off going to bed and sleep. It's awful! You have no idea how painful it was watching this crap. I mean, watching this movie is like plastic. It's all fake. You are not getting all the meat from this movie that looks like it has some potential. But it reminds you of a movie that looks like it had it all, but craps all over you, kind of like Fant4stic.

So let me quickly tell you about this movie. So Peter Pan gets dropped off by to an orphanage. The nurses of this orphanage are a bunch of cartoonish people who treat everyone like garbage. And right from the top, you know that there is something wrong. And then Peter gets kidnapped by bungee jumping pirates, and now he is on a flying ship. And then you got a bunch of war planes chasing this ship, and holy geez! The movie slaps you with a lot of green screen effects. Most of the fight scenes in this movie looks like plastic. The laws of physics in this movie are ridiculous, and it makes you feel like you are in a world of artificialness. You don't feel like you are watching a movie. At times, you feel like you can tell that this film was filmed at a ware house. This movie is basically the story of Neverland. The land where you use your imagination. Well, it felt like that this land that they were trying to establish felt like a crummy version on what heaven would look like. Let's have cardboard cut out clouds and angels hanged on strings. That is how I felt about this movie. But one of the biggest thing that hurts the movie is the character development. And the not stop action which keeps happening over and over again. This film is littered with action that you don't get to know your characters well. You don't get closer to the relationship with Peter Pan and Hook, or any other characters. It felt so rush to the point where I was about to fall asleep. And for some reason, I felt bored because the entire movie is all rushed and extremely sloppy. But then there are moments where you are extremely mind boggled. There was one scene where Peter Pan meets Blackbeard for the first time at this mining place. And the whole entire crowd is singing Smells like Teen Spirit, by Nirvana, and then later singing Blitzkrieg Bop, by The Ramones. Let that sink into your head. The crowd of miners were singing a Nirvana song, and a Ramones song. This movie takes place during World War 2. World War 2! Are you kidding me? Are you FREAKING kidding me! Seriously?! It just blows my mind on why they would do that. I mean imagine if you were watching Mad Max: Fury Road where Immortan Joe makes a speech at the people at his town, and then for no reason he starts rapping an NWA song called Straight Outta the Citadel! A revised version of Straight Outta Compton. It just blows my mind on why they would be singing those songs during that time period in Pan.

Blackbeard in this movie is played by Hugh Jackman. And his goal is to find this fairy land and defeat the fairies. Now you think that Blackbeard is going to be this dark and gritty person, but here, he is just over the top and he just pops everywhere to start a fight, not leaving enough time for some character development, which is one of the thing that fails the most in this movie. Garrett Hedlund as Hook. Oh my goodness. I don't know what is this guys problem. Now you see Hook in some of the old Peter Pan movies, including Hook. But here, he puts on this dopey American accent and it just sound so stupid. Good God. Tiger Lily played by Rooney Mara. Worst casting choice ever. And therefore, I couldn't buy into her character. She is one of the people who you kind of care about. Her acting in this film was quite good. But in the end of the day, her character is stale and kind of wooden. Levi Miller as Peter Pan. He is the only person in this film who is at least trying. You like his character. His performance as Peter Pan was pretty good. But he suffers because of the way the movie is directed and written. We don't see enough of the relationship with Hook, we don't get to see why they hate each other. The story where his mother abandons Peter Pan is so vague. Instead, we have this prophecy story which we don't care about. There a couple of plot points that don't go anywhere. There was this scene where Peter Pan was told that he has 3 days to fly. That doesn't go anywhere and...unfortunately...this movie is a gigantic mess.

You got a great idea for a story, but the way it is written and directed made this movie a gigantic mess. This movie basically went the same direction as I, Frankenstein. Too much action and barely any substance. Just because your film has so much action doesn't mean your film is great. We need some character development, and some moments where we actually want to care. But we don't get that in this movie. I left this movie pretty angry. They took some classic characters such as Peter Pan, Hook, and other people, and turned into a never ending artificial world of poop, green screen, atrocious laws of physics, bad character development, a story where it makes you bored. It fails in a lot of directions. Go see something else. Go and see the original Peter Pan, or the 2003 version. Or go and see Hook, despite its mixed reception. Or better yet, just go see Pans Labyrinth. At least that is a movie that begins with PAN. Watch anything other than this pretentious artificial piece of crap.