Review of Only God Forgives (2013) by Do You Even Jay C — 21 Dec 2013

*THE OFFICIAL BETTER THAN DRIVE SEAL*.

Ryan Gosling is a man of many talents. Unfortunately, he fell in love with Nicolas Winding Refn, the anti-Christ of cinema (Diablo Cody is the anti-Christ of screenwriting). Refn was starting to feel all the fan buzz ever since Drive got a 93% and a cult following. I could go on and on about Drive, but I'll just say that it was bad, and leave it at that. So 2 years since Drive and Refn releases "Only God Forgives". I must admit: I was yielded to the hype, mainly cause the poster reminded me of a Tarantino-esque grindhouse film. Then, they released a trailer, and it looked awful. I knew it would tank.....and it did!

Set in modern-day Thailand, this drama follows Julian, who is played by Ryan Gosling. Julian is a weird man in a weirder family. His mother is the queen of a drugpin and his brother raped a 15 year old girl. So, after his brother is brutally murdered by the father of the girl, Julian's mom wants everyone involved to die. Oh wait! But who is that weird Thai-guy? He's Chang, the Angel of Death, or something. And it's "more complicated than that, mother." But, no, it isn't. All you have to do is kill the seemingly invincible Chang, and you're done. Oh, and did I mention that they never get around to hunting down Chang until 50 minutes into the movie? Refn obviously had limited substance, so he stretched it out to a 90-minute feature.

Despite some colorful imagery, this film is an absolute bore. There are long gaping scenes of Gosling staring at air, boring montages, and Thai people talking. If you love staring into Gosling's eyes for 12 minutes at a time, then you'll love this. For anyone looking for a real plot, with real characters, look away. I couldn't connect with any of the characters as they were all boring, unrealistic, and weird. The dialogue isn't smart or inventive. The "daunting" imagery and symbolism is overtly pretentious that I found myself shaking my head. Refn, I gave you a second shot, and you give me this!? Just fall in a hole and never come back.....

Oh, and speaking of holes, Refn's fetish for blood is cringe-worthy. There is this one scene with an ice-pick through an ear that nearly made me sick. I could understand if you were going for an all out shooter, dumb fun film. However, OGF is trying to be some revolutionary, ingenious film. Refn is absolutely in love with blood. He even has a guy's entire torso cut open, spewing blood everywhere. Maybe junkies and those "special" people in the world will love it, but us norms.....we're sick of it. Maybe I could have took the blood. Maybe I could have took the silence. But the thing I hate the most about this film, is the fact that it's so pretentious. Film snobs would go "Well, you just didn't understand it." No, I did. I understood that Julian gripping his hands were symbolic of his pent up rage. I understood that Chang's sword coming from nowhere was symbolic of him being god. I understood that when Chang cuts off *SPOILER* Julian's hands, it was symbolic of Julian being absolved of his sins. I understood everything. Don't tell me what I did or didn't understand. Symbolism doesn't make a movie.

Overall, stay away from this garbage of a film. I really would say it's worse than Juno, but Juno was overly snarky and annoying. Please, don't watch this film. There maybe some redeeming values, such as the music and excellent cinematography, but it can't compensate for the hollow, pointless script. I would give it a zero, but I just don't feel like it. OGF, you're trite, boring, pathetic, and pretentious. Same goes for you Refn, and even you, Gosling, for agreeing to star in this film. Hopefully, this opened up the eyes of everyone: REFN IS A HACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

2/10.