Review of Old Dogs (2009) by Buddy A — 09 Sep 2012

BOTTOM LINE: It's one of the worst movies of the year.

I went into "Old Dogs" with low expectations, which is the only kind of expectations any sensible person would have for a movie made by the same guy that gave the world "Wild Hogs" and "Van Wilder." This is less vulgar than either of those movies, but it's still not any more family-friendly. The movie is extremely immature, focusing on a wide variety of potty jokes and the effects of taking the wrong medication, both of which are neither close to being funny. If anyone out there begs to differ, well, they must either be extremely immature or extremely intoxicated.

Here's the first problem: the film stars such unheard-of people as John Travolta, Robin Williams, Kelly Preston, Seth Green, the late, great Bernie Mac, Matt Dillon, and Lori Loughlin (whom most people know as Rebecca from "Full House") and for some reason, there is not a single standout performance in the entire movie. Since when has Kelly Preston not been good in a movie? Since "Old Dogs." I really can't blame everything on the actors though because they did as good as they could with what they were given, and what they were given is a terrible script that should have had the word 'HAZARD' printed right slap on the cover. I swear that while I was watching the film in a packed screening room I did not hear a single person laugh at one of the supposedly 'funny' moments. Most of the laughter I heard probably stemmed from somebody making fun of one of their friends for buying a ticket in the first place.

The film is 88 minutes long, which is about 68 minutes too long because it runs out of steam within the first 20 minutes. It takes the somewhat promising premise of two old buddies trying to have some fun and throws away what could have been a heartfelt story on terrible physical comedy and dumbass dialogue. Seth Green crying while in the arms of a gorilla does not make any sense in the least and is completely and utterly terrible. But so is the rest of the movie. Do not waste one bit of your time, your patience, or your money on "Old Dogs." Instead, go watch "Old Yeller" again. It had a happier ending. "HELL NO!".

Critics who agree:

Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times: ""Old Dogs" is stupefying dimwitted. What were John Travolta and Robin Williams thinking of? Apparently their agents weren't perceptive enough to smell the screenplay in its advanced state of decomposition, but wasn't there a loyal young intern in the office to catch them at the elevator and whisper, "You've paid too many dues to get involved with such crap at this stage in your careers.".

Score: * (out of four).

Why I agree: Robin Williams has been on a downward slope lately in his career, starting with the awful "Death to Smoochy" and followed up by the vapid "RV" and the insipid "Man of the Year." John Travolta was doing rough there for a while but he picked it back up for a bit....until this movie came along.

Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune: "None of it is funny. It?s all pain and no funny.".

Score: * (out of four).

Why I agree: The movie was overtly painful to watch.

Claudia Puig, USA Today: "Geezer jokes, slapstick segments and contrivances arise. The story has been done to death: Die-hard bachelor forced to take on adorable children. Silly antics ensue, followed by a conclusion bathed in sentimentality.".

Score: *½ (out of four).

Why I agree: Everyone has seen this same plot time and time again, but nobody would mind it if it was done well. Here, it is not.

Kyle Smith, New York Post: ""Old Dogs" does to the screen what old dogs do to the carpet. It's unfortunate that only the latter can be taken out and shot.".

Score: * (out of four).

Why I agree: LOL.