Review of Ocean's Eleven (2001) by Chablis L — 30 Jun 2013

Original post date: 2006.

To continue my Film Primer on classic films that have suffered the insult of remakes...

Ocean's Eleven, 1960 (remake same name, 2001; sequel "Ocean's 12," 2004).

Is it just me or is George "I have perfect teeth" Clooney an egomaniac? Recreating a role made famous by Frank Sinatra; are you kidding? Maybe he has balls of steel? Naw. Seeing as how the remake was released three years after Sinatra's death, Clooney was most likely concerned about a midnight visit from Luca Brasi wondering where Mr. Perfect Teeth gets off calling himself Danny Ocean. Give me a break.

While the remake is, on a certain level, entertaining, it is also quite brazen in its presumption to jack with the revered institution known as The Rat Pack. I'm sure that director Steven Soderbergh and all the celeb powerhouses cast in this thing looked at the gig as "paying homage" to the GREATS in the original; or perhaps they arrogantly considered themselves in the "same league"? Whatever the motivation, they jacked with something that should be untouchable, which I find incredibly cocky.

If you've seen the original and believe, like I do, that it is perfect as is and should never have been remade, then perhaps you'll agree that the remake team comes across like a group of high school thespians, excitedly presenting "A Long, Hot Summer" in the school gym.

Compared to Angie "I ooze sex even when I'm doing something as mundane as frying eggs" Dickinson, Julia Roberts looks like a 12-year-old clomping around in her mother's high heels.

George Clooney reminds me of a star quarterback who decided to take "Drama" as an elective because it sounded easier than "Yearbook." Seriously, does George Clooney even know how to act? Yeah, he was good in "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou," but his normal method of acting usually consists of him jerking his head, twitching his shoulder, flashing his teeth and sounding as if he's talking behind an oscillating fan.

Matt Damon reminds me of a kid in my fifth-grade class who chewed on his folder and constantly slobbered all over himself.

And speaking of desecration, Brad Pitt in Dino's role? Right.

Elliott Gould is a scenery-chewer.

And the rest of the "11" were so non-descript, I wonder if Clooney initially had trouble counting that high, then realized at the last minute that they needed to add some cast members.

The only MAN on the set was Andy Garcia. And I'm certainly glad no one performed the sacrilege of trying to sing Sammy's "E-O 11.".

To further the offense, the "team" reunited for a sequel, "Ocean's 12." Perhaps the troupe's fan base thought the whole "Tess looks like Julia Roberts" thing was tee-hee funny; but I found it tediously cutesy. I really thought I was watching a student-made movie, produced by a clique of popular kids so disillusioned by their popularity, that they believed anything they put on the screen was certain to be well-received. And am I wrong, or was Catherine Zeta "I married a mummy" Jones channeling Faye Dunaway's character in "The Thomas Crown Affair"?

Frank, Dean and Sammy's "Ocean's 11" isn't a "classic" film, certainly not in terms of "Treasure of the Sierra Madre" or "The Lion in Winter" or "Dr. Strangelove"; but it has its own place in film history, and what makes it a must-see is the EXPERIENCE of watching a legendary cast swagger through "their town." You're watching star power and taking a nostalgic look at Vegas in its heyday. Not the Disney-on-acid, tourists-in-windbreakers Vegas of today; but the elegant, hip, swinging Vegas of the 50s-60s. These ultra-talented, ultra-cool megastars ARE the film. You watch it because you worship at the altar of Frank or Dean or Sammy or all three. Only if you're weird do you watch it for Peter Lawford or Joey Bishop. This film is meant for the congregation of The Rat Pack Church; no squares allowed.

Frank, Dean and Sammy are eternal. Get your children away from Christina A-Goo-Bleah-Bleah and pop in Frank's "Songs for Swingin Lovers" or "Christmas With the Rat Pack" or "The Wham of Sam!" It's up to YOU to educate the wee ones in all of the important areas, such as music, film and gourmet food. Perhaps "Ocean's 11" is too adult for them; well then, give them "Robin and the 7 Hoods," and teach them words like "schmendrick" or great quotes like "When your opponent's sittin there holding all aces, there's only one thing left to do: Kick over the table.".