Review of Noah (2014) by Bingbong — 07 Apr 2014

I usually can't be bothered to write reviews, but 'NOAH' was so bad I've even gone to the trouble of creating an account (yep, another password to forget) in order to share this. Oh grief, 'NOAH is rubbish. Russell Crowe did his usual half asleep lump of acting except when he was required to become a gladiator and kill someone, Anthony Hopkins (who has seemingly cornered the market in twinkly wisdom) twinkled and Ray Winstone looked menacing (as he always does, so no change there) About the only actor who was remotely convincing was Jennifer Connelly, emoting like a steam train on heat. Directing was lumpen and the special effects (such as they were) scored about 3/10 on the special effects scale while the script was devoid of both humanity and humour, everyone talking in constipated statements and trying to look serious. Why don't they hire people who know how to write?

OK, having got that off my chest, let's be constructive. As with most films, you have to either go big or go small. A tight, intense drama of family tension, madness, incest and infanticide inside a big boat, written by a proper writer and well acted, might work. Or something OTT with special effects and cataclysmic events coming along every ten minutes or so, I could see that working as well. But this film was neither. It lasted about five years, the first year of which was tedious, the next year a little better (Ray Winstone inventing - would you believe - a primitive gun), then a year of special effects (yep, when it started to rain) and finally 3 years of more tedium. At the very least, someone should have been sea-sick.

Russell Crowe might be a great actor (the point is moot) but he can't do mad, in the same way that Tilda Swinton (now there is someone who can act) can't do comedy. Sorry, I digress.

Well, that's it. Go and see it if you like, but frankly, save your money.

Zero points.