Review of Noah (2014) by Warkittens — 29 Mar 2014

I learned some things from this movie! Apparently Methuselah was Gandalf! And Noah built the ark with the help of rock elementals! And "righteous in the eyes of God" means "psychotic homicidal maniac"! And when the Bible says "Noah and Shem and Ham and Japeth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife and the three wives of his sons with them, entered the ark" it REALLY means "Noah, his wife, his kids, Shem's wife, and this guy who snuck on board and tried to kill Noah"! And those explicit instructions in Genesis for how to build the ark? Really that was a cryptic acid trip where nothing was really explained. Thank you Darren Aronofsky for setting me straight. I thought that I knew how to read, but apparently I was wrong! And thank you Russel Crowe for your most dynamic performance yet!

For those who can't tell, this is all sarcasm.