Review of Noah (2014) by Raydiant — 05 Oct 2014

A lot of reviews of Noah discuss the straying from the biblical story or other 'spiritual' aspects of the film. As someone who experiences a great movie as a spiritual journey in itself I found Noah to be complete crap. I actually thought the first few minutes (before Mr Crowe appears) were an elaborate piss take of the actual movie (in fact I still am not sure the people who rated this movie highly saw the same movie I did).

The garden of eden scenes were high school project quality. The Watchers, the whacky rock transformer Ent giant things, were rejects from Shrek. The characters are inexplicable and lack depth. His two older sons are just horny at the end of the world. At least the older one gets Emma Watson, even if she is barren (like most of the scenery before the magic seed is planted and a giant forest appears). Ham the middle son is just a sexually frustrated teenager with a tyrant for a father. One of the many non-sensical plot twists is when Ham goes searching for bacon (makin' bacon bacon) in the city and falls into a pit of dead bodies. What does he find? The girl of his (wet) dreams. They climb out as it starts to rain (not end of the world rain just a splattering) and everyone goes crazy stupid berserk. They all start charging for the Ark. Ham's babe gets caught in a bear trap and Noah arrives and forces Ham to leave her there to be trampled by the horde. While all this is going on the older brother is boinking Emma Watson who has been given a womb by Noah's grandfather, nutty berry lusting drugged out medieval hippy, Anthony Hopkins.

Noah somehow gets the notion in his head that his mission is to get the animals going again and kill all the humans. Ok, we are all sinners but no where in the movie does it really say where Noah got this idea. This creates Noah the Nutjob, hell bent on killing his new grandchildren. His wife begs him to punish her and not kill the children. What exactly this means and how this would appease Noah's distored mission from god seems only to indicate that Noah's wife has no understanding that her husband consumption of grandpa's hallucinogenic tea concoctions has had a permanent effect.

This sort of nonsense just keeps coming to the very end of the film. I think Aronofsky, Crowe, and everyon else involved will be forgetting this one is in their reprotoire pretty quick.