Review of Noah (2014) by Torion O — 12 Sep 2015

Spoiler review ahead!

Man, Noah is a real asshole. He defines what I find unbearable about religious nuts. So devout in their beliefs that even when they're wrong they believe they're right and won't ever be swayed. And when they're beliefs are shaken, they go mad. But I suppose in this movie God is also the asshole for not being more clear about what the hell Noah was supposed to do.

I refuse to believe that one douche (Tubal Cain, but I'll just refer to him as the douche) managed to stay hidden for that long. Noah, or anybody, would've definitely spotted him or noticed Ham's behavior. Also, I refuse to believe that one douche got on the giant boat. First, he was very injured so he wouldn't have been able to get to, much less climb onto the boat. Second, if he hacked his way into the boat, which he could never have done in his condition, there would be a leak and the boat would soon flood. In addition, if his small hacking could break the boat, then the waves that came crashing in would've annihilated the whole thing. Third, there's no way he could've recovered from his injuries, and if Ham actually helped heal him someone definitely would've noticed. Also, Ham is kind of an idiot for helping that guy. I don't blame him for hating Noah for letting that girl die, but don't turn stupid.

I like how Noah did all this, and his reward for it is getting drunk and passing out naked on a beach. Seriously, he was truly devoted, and God just torments him by not giving a sign even when he makes the right decisions. If you're gonna burden someone with horrifying visions of the future, the least you could do is make the sky clear for a moment to relieve Noah of his fricken troubles BEFORE he gets all depressed and drunk and homeless.

Those rock 'watcher' things didn't look good. They looked kind of crappy. Although, they did serve their purpose well (in relation to making the movie a bit better). It was kind of sad seeing them destroyed and then discovering God was accepting them back into the heavens or wherever.

The scene when the first animals, those birds, found the tiny rivers that spread out from the source where Noah was was a little unnecessary. Sure, show them finding the river, there's no reason to show them journeying all the way to Noah's boat in various clips.

The movie did more things right than wrong, so I'll give this three stars.