Review of Nightbreed (1990) by Moocow M — 27 Apr 2010

[center][size=4][b]Nightbreed (1990)[/b][/size] :rotten: :rotten: :confused: :confused: [/center].

Ok, the MooCow is really [b]cow[/b]fused on this one...

[size=4]:=8P[/size].

Apparently, there's this [b]loser[/b] (as in inciting no audience sympathy whatsoever), Boone, and he becomes cowvinced by his psychopathic shrink that [i]HE[/i] is the one responsible for a string of nasty serial murders. Actually, it doesn't take mooch to cowvince this nitwit. Anycow, rather than try to [b]PROOVE[/b] these allegations are false, Boone instead runs off to this quasi-mystical place from his dreams(!!!), and falls in with a group of vague, ugly mootants. Then the town hicks come in, and the moovie devolves into one big turkey shoot.

And then everything blows up. Really. :=8P.

Pardon me if I say HEH??? :=8/.

This moovie is [b]totally incowherent[/b], I have no idea what's going on up there on the screen, and I sure as heck can't figure out why.

First of all, what exactly are the Night Breed?? Are they lycanthropes(shape-shifters)? Are they undead(like vampires)?? Are they undead lycanthropes???? If they are undead, then [u]why do guns kill them[/u]? If they're not undead then WHY DO YOU HAVE TO [b]DIE[/b] TO BECOME ONE???

[b]DOH! DOH! DOH!!![/b].

[size=4]:=8([/size].

[b]Why[/b] are these people living in a cemetary - are they all insane? Low rent?? [b]Who[/b] named it Midian(and cow many cemetary's have proper names?)? In the beginning of the film, the characters speak about Midian as if it were some sort of abstract construct, existing only in theory, or "in dreams". Boone(Craig Schaffer, "Hellraiser V", "Voyage of the Rock Aliens") finds it after about [b]5 seconds of driving[/b] - DOH!!

[b]Why[/b] do all the useless secondary characters seem to know exactly where Midian is, and what the Night Breed are, but [u]not[/u] the audience? Ya know, [i]just because they're ugly doesn't make them monsters[/i] - they sure can't seem to defend themselves from a bunch of gun-totting hayseeds. They might as well be a bunch of newborn lambs.

The whole herd just about tore the spots off their backs trying to figure this one out. And talk about bland: Schaffer, Anne Bobby(tv's "Mad About You"), and the venerable David Cronenburg(Canada's sickie director, "Crash", "Videodrome")are three of the blandest actors the MooCow has ever seen trying to carry a horror film. Bobby in particular has about as mooch cowrisma as a burst yam. Cronenburg, in front of the camera for once, has the only interesting character, yet seems to have uploaded his lines off his DSL link! It's back to the director's chair for you, David... :=8/.

Frankly, [b]too many stupid things happen in this moovie[/b] to recownt, but the worst may be the Everything Blows Up finale, a la Jerry(Can't We Squeeze In Ten Moore Explosions)Bruckheimer. The MooCow is guessing that the cemetery moost have been built on top of an old petroleum station, because EVERYTHING, dirt, coffins, stones, blows up in the end. I mean, ugly mootants just don't go around exploding for no reason, no matter cow ugly they are, do they?? :=8/.

Blame this mess on Clive Barker, the writer who gave the world the Hellraiser and Candyman series. Actually, the novella("Cabal") from which this story was ripped screaming and kicking is pretty good, and makes a lot moore sense than this monstrosity. But Barker wrote the script and directed this catastrophe all by himself, so all cow pies can be directed at him.

Ridiculous, stupid, and terrible. The MooCow says bury this "Breed", and check out the book instead.

:=8).