Review of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989) by Kris W — 28 Dec 2010

"Yule crack up!".

"There's No Place Like Home For A Holiday!".

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear].

Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.

Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.

Mary: That's my name.

Clark: No shit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file].

Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Ellen: What are you looking at?

Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet].

Eddie: Shitter was full.

Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.

Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.

Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.

Clark: Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.

Clark: You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?

Clark: No, I have one of those at home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog].

Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.

Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Eddie: If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!

Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?

Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Audrey: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.

Art: If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.

Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?

Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Art: You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?

Nora Griswold: Grace!

Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.

Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.

[Bethany shakes her head in confusion].

Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!

Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Clark: Amen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Ellen: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

[after reaching the Griswolds' house].

Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.

Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family].

Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.

Art: So do washing machines.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.

Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.

Todd: I can't just attack someone.

Margo: Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.

Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City.

Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

Ellen: Are you okay?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?

Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.

Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...

Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Mr. Frank Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?

Mary: You have your coat on.

Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.

Clark: How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark Sr.: SQUIRREL!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.

Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

Clark: When have I ever done that?

Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Audrey: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet].

Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Eddie: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.

[to Mr. Shirley].

Eddie: You about ready to do some kissing?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.

Clark: ...Is innocent.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Mr. Frank Shirley: Remember how I was toying with the idea of suspending the Christmas bonuses?

Mrs. Helen Shirley: You *didn't*! Well, of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck!

SWAT Commander: That's pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you into a...

Mr. Frank Shirley: I changed my mind. I'm reinstating all the bonuses.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: I think you've made a terrible mistake.

SWAT Commander: I told you to freeze, mister.

Clark: May we blink?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.

Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Clark: Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Audrey: [Commenting on sleeping with h.