Review of Mysteries of Lisbon (2010) by Alec B — 20 Feb 2012

At first I didn't remember ordering this four-hour-long two-disk movie, in Portuguese, with subtitles. Then, when I read the Netflix blurb, which talked about a "life of piracy," it came back to me.

I did order it, foolishly thinking it was going to be about pirates. Alas, the entire first disk was a drawing room costume drama, with one character after another confessing to a secret past. I thought, well, maybe they'll get to the swashbuckling in the second half.

No such luck. More of the same, with society ladies swooning at the thought of sex, meanwhile fornicating like rabbits off screen, judging from all the secret past confessions that keep coming (and coming, and coming, right up to the closing credits).

After the priest told the first or second installment of his own secret past, I began to lose track of who was who and how their secret pasts related to previously revealed secret pasts of other characters .

.. and I was paying attention, I really was. By the time I put the second disk on, I no longer knew what the hell was going on. Some reviewers raved about the sumptuous scenery, but I'm pretty sure the entire movie was filmed in three or four rooms at one old Portuguese estate.

As for the outdoor scenes, I kept seeing the same background shots, olive groves, and gardens over and over ... probably filmed at the same estate. Actually, you know what? Apart from a few clever scenes, I thought the movie was on the whole cheesy, boring, and incomprehensible.