Review of My Bloody Valentine (2009) by Gareth J — 18 Jan 2010

Perhaps it's my fault for getting my hopes up and expecting this to be more than just a shameless low-budget remake of a classic 1980s slasher but I have to admit there isn't much on offer to shout about. In fact, the only accurate description I can give this new incarnation of My Bloody Valentine is heartless.

From start to finish, one can tell that production of this film was an unloved task from start to finish. The cinematography is bog-standard, give or take a few showy CG enhanced moments to make proper use of the finished product's 3D novelties. The editing feels only half done, with colour grading which is seemless during the story's down periods but becomes messy and disjointed during action sequences.

Then, there are what can loosely be described as the performances. With the exception of Jensen Ackles - predictably - every single cast member has taken the genre film description as being an excuse for leaving whatever acting talent they have at the door. The vast majority of the characters are type-cast and each plays their role with the subtlty of a school play (the biggest offender being the kind of talentless white trash that can be seen from space - you'll know her when you see her. All of her.) In a nutshell, it is this general half-arsedness which makes the characters so impossible to care about. At times it feels like one is watching a selection of card board cut-outs, but then perhaps it is better that way?

After all, this IS a low-budget slasher movie. Perhaps therefore it comes down to a matter of perception and whether it is better to have hollow characters who no one cares about because it makes their deaths easier to stomach? Besides, the selection of deaths on offer are fairly impressive - and on many occasions you can literally feel just how painful these mutilations would (an unexpected plus side to being in 3D?) Eitherway, it is obvious that blood and guts are the orders of the day and sadly without decent performances to balance out these images, they soon argue the film's purpose as little more than violence for the sake of violence.

Would My Bloody Valentine have been better off had it been re-titled "1001 Lethal Ways to Use a Pick-Axe"? It would certainly seem to be a more fitting tagline considering the graphic nature of its imagery and the general shoddiness of the overall drama. In the post-Saw era, it could be argued that such material is now common place in horror and that such protests should be considered a storm in a tea cup. However, what that opinion fails to identify is that Saw, Hostel and other such films at least attempt to give their violence some kind of context. Something which the makers of My Bloody Valentine 3-D clearly lost in translation.