Review of Murder on the Orient Express (1974) by Jim S — 10 Feb 2008

Boy howdy, lemme tell ya. I sure needed today. It's 9:30 p.m. and I have done nothing but watch movies all day. I haven't even showered. Ah, yes. I remember these days. THIS is what it was like being single.

I actually flipped to the Grammys at a few points waiting for [i]Clerks II [/i]to start. I saw Alicia Keys dueting with Frank Sinatra. I like Alicia. I like Ol' Blue Eyes. But it was as bad as it sounds. Then I saw Morris Day and the Time singing. It was rather sad to see them show their age with how little energy they seemed to have. Then Rihanna popped out wearing a tumbleweed and completely sucked any life out of the stage. Chica, you're like 20. Couldn't you, I dunno, and least [i]sound[/i] energized? I pretty much gave up at that point. I was so not gonna watch that shit hoping to catch the Foo Fighters perform with John Paul Jones. I'll catch it on YouTube.

So yeah, I finished the day by rewatching Kevin Smith's sendoff to his "Askewniverse" since I first saw it in theaters. How could any hetero dude not want to marry Rosario Dawson after watching this? What any chick sees in Dante is beyond me, though. I guess he's kinda sweet. When he's not porking his boss behind his fiancee's back. But, it's the perfect finish for this series of five movies now. Juvenile, peurile, disgusting and very often hilarious. The jokes at Elias's expense are way too easy and mostly dumb (A pussy troll named Pillowpants? Really?) but that's made up by Randall and his need to take back "porch-monkey". And we get a nice Busby-Berkeleyish dance sequence set to the Jackson Five.

The day started with [i]Spellbound[/i]. It's Hitchcock so out of respect for the master I guess I'll be nice. The Dali inspired dream sequence was... surreal. And the black humor in spots was funny. Ingrid Bergman and Gregory Peck are great actors. Maybe not in this mov... Ah dammit. There I go.

After that disappointment was [i]The Maltese Falcon[/i]. It's got Peter Lorre and Humphrey Bogart. What? You need more? It's John Huston's directorial debut. It's based on Dashielle Hammett, so you know it's got those great pulpy moments. Lines that live in this world:

-"The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter, eh?".

-"I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, unless you keep in practice.".

-"If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.".

Then there's Bogie giving that great sendoff to Brigid, and of course, that classic closing line...

It's at this point in the day I find out it's "mystery day" on TCM's 31 Days of Oscar. Next up was [i]Murder on the Orient Express[/i]. It's a fun mystery that really doesn't amount to much in the end. But Albert Finney is great as Hercule Poirot and who could ever pass up a cast like this:

Ingrid Bergman (in her third Oscar-winning performance).

Martin Balsam.

Lauren Bacall.

Richard Widmark.

Sean Connery.

Jacqueline Bisset.

John Gielgud.

Anthony Perkins.

Vanessa Redgrave.

Such a rare assemby of great talent, and not one of them showboats or tries to chew up their scenes.

Then there was the pleasant surprise of the day: [i]Slueth[/i]. I probably shouldn't say pleasant surprise, since it does star Laurence Olivier and Michael Caine, but I don't think I ever expected it to be this good. I'd rather not give anything away about this twisting plot, but it's essentially a 138 minute pissing match between two men who keep trying to emasculate each other. It's Caine and Olivier on screen the whole way through (save a short appearance by an actor Alec Cawthorne working in his one and only film) and it's damn brilliant.

And right now, [i]Bride of Chucky[/i] is on Sci-Fi. Katherine Heigl is so hot. I don't reckon I'd turn down Jennifer Tilly, either. Ah hell, it's John Ritter! Completely forgot he's in this. Damn... might be a late night. Eh, I just remembered it's on Sci-Fi. The big money shot of the dude getting creamed by the semi is going to be cut out. I wonder if they'll keep in the puppet sex...

I'd also like to add that I really don't want to not like Barack Obama or Mike Huckabee. They seem like such nice guys. Too bad one is a little to "religious nutball" for my taste, and the other is just about completely antithetical to my political beliefs. At least I think so. It's hard to know exactly where he stands on anything. Except hope and change. I know he's for hope and change. And bettering America. And other empty rhetoric.

Ah, dammit. I'm rambling.

Time for a beer and bed!