Review of Monster's Ball (2001) by Hans V — 13 Apr 2010

Forget about Halle Berry's "notorious" sex scene for which she got the Oscar: if sex scenes were the measure to win Oscars my shelves would be groaning. No, our Heath steals the show here too, because when he disappears halfway through the film, you could safely switch off (which would spare you Ms Berry's writhings) and still savor the film's subject matters of racism, the death penalty and oppression within the family unit.

But what really made us guffaw on our couch was Heath Ledger's opening scene where he meets a prostitute in a sleazy motel room for their regular tryst. It surely must rank as one of the movie history's shortest sex scenes: from arousal to deflation in less than two minutes, including a drink beforehand and a wash afterwards.

I mean, speak of rising to the occasion, it sure wasn't obvious in his demeanour - or swelling in his camouflage pants - that he was glad to see her. Humping her doggy style over the table must have been hotter than his efforts on Jake's arse as it only took nanoseconds before he hauled up his white underpants again over his fetching backside - they hadn't even been fully pulled down for the full delectation we old perverts are accustomed to.

And how did his dick go down so fast to be able to stuff it back into his pants without any risk it'd get caught in the zipper? He truly is the fastest shooter in the West. I hope Jake got more satisfaction out of him in the tent on that mountain.