Review of Monster Hunter (2020) by Vahl — 24 Apr 2021

F*ck this movie and Paul WS Anderson so hard... As a longtime fan of the Monster Hunter series, I was terrified of the day that Hollywood would come around to bastardize this glorious franchise. Why the hell did it have to be Paul WS Anderson? This movie was completely unnecessary. Absolutely nobody except the producers with dollar signs in their eyes wanted this film.

Where do I even begin, I legit don't remember the main character's name and I'm not even 100% sure that we're ever even told her name in the first place. This film has zero plot whatsoever, it just limps around sh*tting it's self along the way. With the turds being what I think is supposed to resemble monster hunts? The "hunts" are so hard to follow with constant jump cuts and nonsense. Each monster has a single roar that is just repeated full boar the entire fight. The music is all uninspired and generic action wub wubs.

Now on to what pissed me off with this film... How the f*ck is this supposed to represent Monster Hunter? This isn't Monster Hunter, it's goddamn Gate. There is so little Monster Hunter anything in this film outside of a few monsters and like 3 weapons that are generic iron weapons. You can tell that Paul played MHW for like 2 hours and that was it. The lack of knowledge is shocking to me, how do you get away with making a film adaptation with such little understanding of the source material? The Diablos straight up tries to eat them at one point, never mind that fact that Diablos are herbivores. The film then acts like Rathalos is the ultimate end all monster and terrified by all. Come on, I eat Rathalos steaks for breakfast.

The absolute number one thing that broke me though, was the ending. Holy Sh*t the ending made my blood boil, they just suddenly throw in Gore F*cking Magala into the mix as a teaser of a sequel that will never get made. F*ck you Paul, Gore Magala... really? The fact that they had Gore Magala just thrown in shows the lack of Monster Hunter knowledge. For those that don't know, there's a little thing called the Frenzy Virus that is caused by Gore Magala. It basically radiates this deadly fart dust that causes painful death that slowly kills those infected as they go mentally insane. This is always a sign of a Gore Magala, always! In the lore, entire cities and towns were abandoned due to Gore Magala and his cooties. This film made me want to become an alcoholic so that I'd forget it's existence.

Thank you for listening to my 37 minute rant about why Paul WS Anderson is an assh*le. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I will enjoy this bottle of rum I bought to try and forget this film exists.