Review of Mission: Impossible III (2006) by Tim W — 30 Jun 2013

Original post date: 2006.

In her review of "Doctor Zhivago," legendary New Yorker Magazine film critic, Pauline Kael, described Omar Sharif's eyes as "wet." Kael's description came to mind as I sat through "MI:3," eyeballing Tom Cruise's ocular clamminess.

I don't recall Tom's peepers being moist in "Risky Business" or "Top Gun" or even "Interview With a Vampire," a film in which it would make perfect sense for his eyes to be watery considering the fact that his face was covered in undead makeup. I suppose I first noticed Tom's irregular dampness in "War of the Worlds." I know his character was under a lot of stress, but you can't successfully outrun mechanical aliens if your vision is clouded. At some point, you need to splash some water on your face and get rid of the muck!

In "MI:3," Tom's eyes are soggy in every scene. I looked up diseases of the eye and discovered something called "age-related macular degeneration" or "ARMD," a degenerative condition of the central retina and the most common cause of vision loss in the United States in those 50 or older. Tom is only 44! Should we worry?

"MI:3" director and co-writer, J.J. Abrams, is the singular reason why I went to see this film; just as director John Woo was the singular reason I went to see "Mission: Impossible II," which, in a way, makes Tom Cruise a kind of Claymation figure in Abrams' and Woo's wonderful world of make-believe. I don't go to see Tom. I go to see what strange positions they'll place Tom in.

I suppose like many Abrams fans, I love him, and I hate him. A friend of mine who owns the first three seasons of "Alias" lent me the set, and I was instantly hooked. (The same friend, by the way, who also lent me the first and ONLY season of "Firefly," which was the most fantastic television show I have ever seen, featuring the sexiest spaceship captain since Han Solo. FOX has to be the most boneheaded network on television to have cancelled that show. Morons. Yeah, keep Ryan Seasick employed, but cancel one of the most original series to hit the Idiot Box because Mr. and Mrs. Mid-America don?t "git" cowboys in space. Dumb.).

I loved "Alias," even though half of the techno-spy dialogue flew over my head like a pissed-off mockingbird. Then Abrams skipped off to bring a new show to TV, "Lost," which intrigued me the first season. I stopped watching "Lost," because I started noticing the Warning Signs. I had been burned before with Lynch's "Twin Peaks," a show I followed with fanatical devotion, even though I hadn't the slightest idea what the hell was going on. I WANTED to know what was going on. I had faith that at some point, I would be TOLD what was going on. But NO! The final episode was nothing but a freaky hallucination Lynch experienced after visiting a Chinatown opium den. Sick bastard.

So...what was I talking about? Oh yes. Abrams leaves "Alias" to his B-Team so that he can concentrate on his "Twin Peaks in Hawaii" show, and his loyal audience, waiting to discover the secret behind all the Rambaldi B.S., gets an unsatisfying ending, not to mention a kind of squirmy feeling watching Michael Vartan pretend to have a family with ex-girlfriend Jennifer Garner, even though we're really happy for Vaughn and Sydney, right? It's all so confusing!

Basically, watching "MI:3" is exactly like watching an episode of "Alias," only it's Tom "Do I Have ARMD?" Cruise instead of Jennifer "My Husband?s Face is Made Out of Silly Putty" Garner, and Philip Seymour "Oh My God, I Was in Twister?" Hoffman instead of Ron "Is That My Nose or an Idaho Potato?" Rifkin.

Are you following this okay?

Bottom-line, I had a great time! In fact, it wore me out. I had to take a nap at my desk afterward. And as the first 2006 summer blockbuster, it made me feel optimistic about the rest of the film season. (Unfortunately, three weeks later, I saw "X-Men 3." That review is below.).