Review of Minions (2015) by Steven Y — 06 Jan 2016

As was to be expected, this might actually be the most obnoxious movie I've seen in a long ass time. I've never been a fan of the minions. In fact, out of all the movie mascots in these films, the minions are easily the most annoying.

I found them insufferable in smaller doses in both Despicable Me movies, so I thought the idea of them actually getting their own full-length movie, and not one of these silly short movies as special features on the DVD, was just the absolute worst thing possible.

The fact of the matter is that the joke in this movie is that the minions' language is unintelligible and a lot of the comedy is based on the things they say, which is an amalgamation of words in French, Spanish, English, among other languages.

Their inane gibberish gets old 10 minutes into the goddamn movie. There's also instances where they Minion-ize some popular 60s songs and that's just the dirt fucking worst. It's just that their language is so ridiculously stupid and kiddie that it makes watching them for an extended period of time completely ridiculous.

I don't begrudge anyone for finding the minions adorable or entertaining, but I'm also wondering how anyone over the age of 12 can like these fuckers. Maybe the same things I hate about them are the things that other people love, that's entirely possible, but it's just perplexing to me.

These fucking things are so annoying and the joke wears thin immediately. Don't get me wrong, there's some inspired moments here, like Sandra Bullock as the super-villain in the film was one of the few bright spots of the film and she might've been the only entertaining character in the film.

There's also a pretty awesome soundtrack full of 60s songs that, thankfully, the minions don't sacrifice. There's a lot of slapstick, but it's all incredibly forgettable and uninteresting.

The thing is that there's a fairly decent idea here of the minions searching for a suitable villain to serve unquestionably, which doubles as a search for a home as Kevin, Stuart and Bob are looking for a place for their 'tribe' to settle down.

The problem, however, comes in the fact that the film lacks no structure, it's just a series of slapstick-y skits without any real story thread holding them together. The movie is, technically, not even bad, but I still couldn't stand it because the minions are insufferable characters.

They were not meant to be seen in large doses. Hell, I don't even think they were meant to be seen in small doses either. It'd be one thing if they were silent characters, then I wouldn't actually have a problem with them, because then I wouldn't have to listen to their obnoxious gibberish and then I could actually focus on their actions.

But these motherfuckers have painted themselves into a corner with these characters. I'd have given it a lower score if it wasn't for Sandra Bullock and the great soundtrack. The movie isn't even that funny when you really think about it.

The kids will definitely love it, so I guess that's something, but that doesn't mean this movie isn't good, because it's not. It's annoying as fuck and forgettable as an actual movie, even when removing the minions from the equation.

Sandra Bullock is good here and there's some great music, but the minions drag everything down in their path, both literally and figuratively, this would've been a better movie without them. I can't really recommend this movie in the slightest, but I'm sure the kids will love the minions' energy and zaniness and that's what Dreamworks was going for.

I still can't call this a good movie.