Review of Lincoln (2012) by Rood T — 25 Aug 2013

Steven Spielberg's Lincoln was awful, and it needs to be said. So bring it on all you nerdy trolls and TAs for any history professor at any community college. I have very little fear of deleting comments, but please only rebloggers are allowed to continue ahead.

I'll begin with a question. You loved Tommy Lee Jones in Lincoln, right? He was fantastic and really controlled a heavy moment in the film, though only having a small amount of actual screen time. He was interesting and wise and really made us feel strong for our country. Jones' character showed the power of America's negotiation process at its finest, and we love that scene and how great he was. So then tell me, what his character's name?

You have no idea, and I'll tell you why. It's because Abraham Lincoln was the most dominant character of an entire era, and so prolific that he's considered one of the greatest men (who we have pictures of) in history. But the film didn't give us time to identify with that character at all, mainly because Spielberg skipped right into a certain section of his life. They took a legend whose history every American knows intimately, and made his character as closeted as K.C. Armstrong (baba booey, baba booey). So right off, the viewer loses the connection between the main focus and interest of the film.

Also the movie is like C-Span boring, which sucked as Lincoln had such potential. It was one of the most anticipated films of the year, directed by the greatest director of our lifetime and about one of the most important historical icons of our era, while being portrayed by one of the greatest actors of our lifetime. It should've be more immaculate that having AC/DC cover ZZ-Top songs while Emma Watson showers me with hundreds. But that will just have to stay written on the daily letters I write Hermione.

The majority of the movie is reminiscent of Shakespeare-esque scenes where diplomatic leaders are talking about something that might be important, but you have no idea what's going on anymore because you blanked out an hour ago. It's like watching Game of Thrones after they stopped showing nudity, but before the ghost zombies showed up. Lincoln is 65% cabinet meeting discussions, 10% violence, 5% Tommy Lee Jones and the rest I don't know because I passed out about fourteen times and every time the movie was still playing.

Perhaps this is what Lincoln's life was mostly like, but please Spielberg, throw in some violence or dinosaurs or have an enormous robot appear for no real reason. It worked for Wild Wild West, which was completely terrible, but now has spawned a cult of weirdness. Or try focusing on a larger part of Lincoln's life, like how he grew into being a powerful patriot wielding an ax to defend freedom and justice and was called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

So you argue, "But it's Steven Spielberg?" And I answer, "Duel, 1941 andAlways were massive flops". You retort, "What do you personally think of those movies?" I answer, "I love all three of them". But I'm in a minority on this one, and thus win this argument, as long we don't bring up the 25 agreed upon classics he directed, or Jaws which is the greatest movie that doesn't involve droids.

So you counter with, "But it starred Daniel Day Lewis." Yes, Daniel Day Lewis is a master actor. He carried both Gangs of New York and There Will Be Blood, amongst many others. But in Lincoln, Lewis just stumbles unnoticed into committee meetings, and give quips and jokes like he's on massive amounts of opiates. He reminded me of Popeye's dad Pappy, but drunk and giving a three hour lecture in parables that I don't get.

The truth is that I didn't totally dislike Lincoln, as it was a good attempt to capture a man with such an epic life. But it was also very pretentious and boring. You can call me un-patriotic, though I voted like five times in the last election and I hate paying my taxes and have seventeen ketchup packets from McDonalds in a drawer plus enough pepper to start a war. But in the end, Lincoln would've made a great History Channel movie of the week, but to be recognized as a classic is ridiculous. Just skip this one all together and re-watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure instead.