Review of Left Behind (2014) by Newenglandlady — 13 Oct 2014

Between the low meteoritic score and the gay marriage thing, it's been so hard for "Real Christians" lately.

Look, we all know what post-Wickerman Nick Cage films are like, but throw them a bone and say you enjoyed the movie. You know, the one about how you and me and everyone who doesn't read the Bible exactly like them is going to endure terror and/or die horrifically while they watch from Heaven and delight in the suffering of the unrighteous.

And I mean that aspect is clearly incredibly important to them - this is only the latest in a slew of books and movies about how awful it will be for those of us "left behind" while they are whisked away to paradise. (Boy, it must be nice to be a "Real Christian" - you are allowed to show your righteousness by enjoying the impending doom of people you disagree with. I mean you basically get to watch torched porn without an ounce of guilt.).

And take heart, all you followers of the Lamb, stand strong for this film - on meteoritic, on Facebook and in the streets of the city! After all, didn't Jesus tell the Scribes & Pharisees that God really loves and rewards those who blow a trumpet before them so they may be seen partaking in religious spectacles like this fine film?! I mean I think I remember that part - it was near the bit about the importance of taking scripture and Law 100% literally so you don't forget to tithe in mint and cumin.

I mean, jeeze, how else are people of God going to show what good Christians they are - by being kind to the strangers in their land, by feeding the poor & tending the sick?! Christian please... To hell with those illegal immigrants & those takers on food stamps / Obamacare - all the real Christians are too busy fending off the wicked heathen reviews of this fine motion picture to deal with such trifles. I mean Lazarus, you really need to get away from that gate - that dog licking your disgusting sores is really distracting bibleman360 from the pressing work of explaining to his Facebook friends how Roper's negative review is oppressing him and destroying America.

So please, my fellow heathens and less than "real" Christians, write a positive review of Left Behind. It's the least you can do for these poor, persecuted heroes as they wander through the weary world of woe, besieged by gays and feminists and Muslims and Catholics and the wrong kind of Protestants, all of whom insist on shamelessly living happy, productive, and loving lives before their very eyes.

If we ease their present suffering by letting them fantasize about our future agony, maybe they'll throw us a smile and a nod while we're burring in the pit of fire for attending Adam & Steve's wedding or saying Happy Holidays.