Review of Left Behind (2014) by Keenan S — 17 Apr 2015

NO! BAD, HOLLYWOOD! BAD! No more Left Behind films, you hear? The last 3 were awful enough as it was! Did we really need a reboot? Were there really that many people clamoring for a reboot? And Nicholas Cage? Why, Nic? I know your finances are in the crapper, but surely there must be better scripts offered to you. You are capable of good acting when you get a good script...remember?

This has to be one of the most baffling and idiotic reboot ideas ever conceived, and it is sure to be a career embarrassment for everyone involved - even for Nicholas Cage, whose filmography is loaded with all kinds of failures like The Wicker Man remake, the awful Ghost Rider films, and many more. When you star in a film so bad that The Wicker Man remake outclasses it, something has gone desperately wrong. It's truly a special kind of fuck up - an idea that was dim-witted and misguided from the very concept, let alone execution. It's sure to go down as one of the worst films not only of the decade, but also of the 21st century. In future generations, it will be looked upon with disgust and mocked viciously - its only hope being that perhaps it will be revered as a camp classic by the select few lucky enough to salvage it for that purpose. As much as I love a good campy film, I could not salvage this one, try as I might.

But do you want to know what the saddest part in all this truly is? This is one of the LESS terrible Left Behind films! That's how awful this fucking franchise is when this film is one of the better ones. This franchise needs to be castigated into the flames of Hell where it belongs.

Things are not going well for the Steele family. Rayford, a pilot, is growing distant from his family, and is interested in beginning an affair with his flight attendant, Hattie (He even bought tickets for a U2 concert for her). Irene has become a born-again Christian and is driving her family crazy, especially her daughter, Chloe. Chloe, is a rebellious girl and an atheist who absolutely hates religious people. And the son - whose name I don't remember - is concerned about the rift forming in the family, but is close to his sister.

One day, Chloe comes home for a visit from college, with the intent of surprising her father at the airport for his birthday. While she waits for him, she meets a reporter named Buck Williams and the two begin a conversation after she gets into an argument with a religious woman, and he seems to like her for her strong-willed personality.

She meets up with her father, and is suspicious of him and his activities as he is not wearing a wedding ring and seems too close to his flight attendant. The encounter ends on a sour note, with Chloe storming off and going home, while Rayford prepares to fly his plane to London. Buck also boards the plane.

Chloe then goes home, and then gets into a fight with her mother over her beliefs before going to the mall with her brother. However, things go haywire when her brother suddenly vanishes while she's giving him a hug, leaving only a pile of clothes behind.

He's not the only one who's disappeared, as there are also several other piles of clothes throughout the mall. Soon, panic sets in, people begin looting, chaos ensues, a car without a driver crashes through the mall, a plane without a pilot crashes in the parking lot of the mall, and several other things attempt to kill Chloe as she makes her perilous journey home on foot (Her car was destroyed by the plane).

All hell breaks loose on Ray's plane as well, as several passengers disappear. Even his co-pilot disappears. It turns out that millions of people across the world have vanished, while everyone else who remains is left to fend for themselves and go crazy. Now Ray must land the plane safely amid the chaos across the world and his own passengers' unpredictable behavior, while his daughter also struggles to deal with the aftermath of the day's events.

The story has some interesting elements as borrowed from the book of Revelations, but it never does anything particularly interesting with them. It also doesn't help that the drama is so dull, so top heavy with sour melodrama, features uninteresting and poorly developed characters, and poorly inserted messages about Christianity. It's a bland, by-the-numbers, straight-to-DVD quality drama that will only appeal to people who rave about so-called "Christian" films just because they have some Bible references thrown in.

As someone whose favorite film genre is drama, Left Behind is tremendously dissatisfying. What should have been a harrowing drama about people trying to come to terms with such dramatic, mysterious events that causes beloved family members and friends to disappear, instead boils down to a lousy drama stuffed with unlikable characters who themselves are nothing but sad caricatures, some of whom insult people of other beliefs.

Plus, there's also the severe issues with the religious elements. Normally, with these Christian films, I would rant about how they are missing human and spiritual elements, but I don't think Left Behind actually gives a shit about that. No, this film is more about sensationalizing the "cool" parts of the Bible, rather than have anything to say about faith, spirituality, or human nature as a whole.

I wouldn't mind this so much if the film made up for it in action, because it also takes a stab at the action genre...with disastrous results. And no, the action isn't very interesting, even for someone like myself who enjoys a lot of ridiculous shit that the action genre has gifted to me. The most the action induces are unintentional giggles like how everything seems hell-bent on killing Chloe, like the car, the plane, the bus that falls off a bridge, getting involved in a shootout, and a number of other things.

The acting is surprise, surprise: ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE. Nicholas Cage just mostly mumbles his lines, with a distinct expression on his face where he is desperately hoping that it will all be over soon so he can do some other terrible film (The next few might be awful, but they'll still be better than this).

Nobody in this film delivers a good performance, though I can't blame them for it because they mistakenly signed onto a hopeless project for some reason. However, Chad Michael Murray is infinitely better than Kirk Cameron as Buck Williams. Then again, you could place a cardboard cutout in place for the Buck Williams character and it would still be a better actor than Kirk Cameron, so it's not like there's a big hurdle to overcome.

As a drama, it offers no emotional depth, character development, or any sort of reason to care. As an action flick, it bores with few action sequences and the only joys one can salvage from them are unintentional giggles. There are no thrills to be found. As a thriller, there's no reason to give a damn about the mysterious events or have a reason to want to dig deeper. The only entertainment one will glean from this film is either in campy moments, or if you're someone who has no standards for Christian-themed films just because they have Bible references, you'll adore it.

While it is indeed superior to the horrible 2000 original, it doesn't take much to improve upon an already worthless piece of shit. It's the equivalent of pouring chocolate syrup onto a turd, putting a cherry on top, and calling it a sundae. It might taste less horrible, but it still tastes like shit. Please, Hollywood. Just let this franchise die.